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I bought beer and a pack of cigarettes and gave my little brother my last $10 to score some weed for me. He's borrowing the bowl I bought yesterday so he can get stoned and watch the fireworks, which is what I wanted to do.

I bought the piece because I'm honestly so fed up with my life right now and there's so much that hurts. I just want to get fucked up for a little while. Not tonight, brother has my bowl. Not tomorrow, I'm seeing J. Maybe Monday.

I'm in an enormous amount of emotional pain because today I realized that one year ago right now I was in Texas in B's arms for the first time. I remember seeing him come across the parking lot at the airport, the hot air making wavy lines come up from the pavement behind him. I remember what it felt like to kiss him for the first time. I remember the thunderstorm that night, holding each other on the air mattress and watching the lightning through the open window while he sang "Brena" into my ear softly.

J is at a fourth of July party getting drunk on jager. B is going to play video games with his buddy. I'm going to hold off on drinking as long as I can, go see the fireworks, and then get completely shitfaced. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to remember the night we did tequila shots, or seeing him at the airport when he came up to visit for Thanksgiving, falling into his arms and crying on his shoulder. I can't stand the thought of the time we shared a bottle of red wine and then ditched our friends watching Coraline so we could have amazing drunken sex in the next room while listening to Silversun Pickups. I don't want to think about how amazing it felt when he slid into me. I don't want to remember the moonlight coming through the blinds and illuminating the skin on his shoulders.

How his eyes lit up when he realized I was wearing a garter belt and stockings under my skirt. The time we walked through my hometown, holding hands and talking about our plans. When he asked me to marry him based on my cheesecake alone.

I miss him like crazy, and I regret not taking him up on the offer of an Amtrak ticket to Virginia to see him for this 4th of July. I wish I could see him every day. I miss his arms and his smile and the blissed-out look he gets when I pull his hair or bite him.

Fucking hell. It's all so hard.