Urinal

The people who spit their gum into urinals are dicks. Every time you do that, you rob a janitor of being able to go a day without having to reach into a urinal and handle something inside.

I'm not even a janitor and I think that's outrageously inconsiderate. Gum-spitter, I'm going to find you and take a shit on the windshield of your car.

Normal urinal etiquette: If you're alone, then go to the nearest urinal. (Skipping over the short handicapped-accessible urinal, if one exists, is okay). If there's someone else also using a urinal, position yourself so that there is one urinal between you and him, if possible. If the line of urinals is packed and you have no choice but to be directly next to someone, then go for it. Enforcement of space between people is relaxed if the urinals have dividing walls between them. Eyes front. Back straight. Stare at the wall. Just like in an elevator.

Weird urinal behavior: The guy that uses the urinal right next to you, despite several other urinals being available and nobody else being in the bathroom. You're at a urinal, alone. You picked the closest one to the door. A guy walks in and walks all the way across the room to be as far away from you as possible while he pees. This is actually far more distracting and weird than the "peeing too close" behavior. Guys that noticeably drop their heads down, staring at (presumably) their dicks for the entire time, and without any subtlety. I can relate, I'm quite proud of mine too, but have some tact, man.

Urinal behavior I want to popularize: Swiveling one's pelvis about, so as to get an even coat of urine across the porcelain. Like you're an oscillating fan. Slowly walking backward while peeing and trying to get a higher and higher arc going before you run out of fuel and have to move in for the dismount. Bonus point if you get a stranger to duck under the stream to get to his urinal. Doing that bending-at-the-knees up-and-down bob that John Lennon always did when he was playing guitar, emphasizing that you really enjoy pissing. This should be done as if to music that only you can hear. Instead of doing the traditional "shake", doing "the helicopter". And cackling gleefully while you do it.

View Thinker #a7330f's profile

"Slowly walking backward while peeing and trying to get a higher and higher arc going before you run out of fuel and have to move in for the dismount."

When I was in second grade, me and the other boys in my class would do this in the bathrooms. We all ended up in them at the same time after Chapel (private christian school, everything was strictly scheduled).

It was like a contest to see who could piss the farthest. We also compared turds.

View Thinker #77406d's profile

I swear to Jebus, you're channeling George Carlin. Were it not for the mores of Ether, I would be trying to get up the courage to ask if you wanted to hang out, or something.

View Thinker #000000's profile

"Channeling George Carlin" is an amazing compliment.

And there's no need to ask me to hang out because I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

View Thinker #c00f9b's profile

I'm fairly convinced that some men have attempted the the urinal behaviors you wished to popularize, in the co-ed bathrooms of my former dorm. The bathrooms were designed for one person at a time, but available to either sex. There was no urinal and for some reason the men who shared this particular bathroom with me either had no aim, or were attempting to do some impressive stunts while peeing. There is no other possible explanation for how they managed to get pee on the wall a foot or two above the actual toilet.

View Thinker #77406d's profile

I meant it as a compliment. The true kind. I can easily see your bit on urinal etiquette between the chapters of non-sequiters that say things like "You never see a bunch of Jews get hit by a tornado."

And, full disclosure, I did look up into the mirror, to see if there was a giant black box behind me.

View Thinker #000000's profile

Oh, but I's a stealthy box!

View Thinker #000000's profile

"There is no other possible explanation for how they managed to get pee on the wall a foot or two above the actual toilet."

Actually, there is. The difficulty level of peeing in the direction that you intend is tenfold harder when you have an erection.

View Thinker #000000's profile

Heh. "Tenfold harder"

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I think it's funny to sneak into men's restrooms and take pictures at the urinals.

It's best when I am looking especially feminine.