Urine

Though I'm not much of a fan of urine, the act of urination is pretty awesome. It's familiar and comforting, and always accompanied by a sense of relief. It's somehow psychologically equivalent to hugging your oldest, dearest friend. I've always been conscious of the familiarity of the sound of urinating in a toilet too, and how it's always roughly the same, like a little song played frantically on a muted xylophone that you hear every day of your life, as if it's part of the soundtrack of the human experience.

Once my biggest secret was that I peed in a tennis can when I was little and stuck in traffic coming home from a college play where i was Gretal from the sound of music.

Now all my secrets are not my own.

I don't like to drink my own urine; but its sterile and it tastes good.

A friend of mine lives and goes to school in Chicago. While riding the L train, he realized he was sitting in a wet puddle. Upon feeling that his ass was, in fact, moist with something, he smelled his hand and realized with horror that it was urine. He had sat in what was most likely some homeless man's urine on the train.

Now, one thing you have to understand about this guy is that he's the weirdest person I know. He constantly invents bizzare and horrible new ideas for products like drive through sex-restaurants, and fruit roll-up pornography.

So, my friend's plan, given the realization that he was sitting in a homeless man's urine, was to wet his pants, so that the ratio of his urine to homeless man urine was more in his favor.

I swear to god, that was his actual thought. I don't know if he actually acted upon this plan or not, but just concieving of such a thing is magical enough.

Sometimes I want to drink my own urine. Well, at least see what it tastes like. I imagine it tastes like sweat.

I went to see a movie with my girlfriend K- and her roommate T-. T- wanted something at the concession stand, and K- didn't want to have to wait around, so she told us that she was going to go ahead get good seats for us. T- made her order, then the employee behind the counter asked me what I wanted. "A cup of butter," I said. Without a moment's hesitation, he got a small plastic cup and filled it with that disgusting popcorn butter-oil substance. I was shocked that my absurd request was so matter-of-factly honored, and that I was suddenly holding a CUP OF BUTTER for no particular reason. T- and I chatted about it on the way to the theater, and it was then that I started realizing some as-yet unappreciated properties of movie theater popcorn butter. a) It's slightly yellowish b) It's warm c) It has an odd smell I had accidentally found perfect fake piss. Now, to test it out. I hide the cup in my coat and sit next to K-. Fast forward to ten minutes into the previews. Me: "Oh man, I've gotta piss." K-: "Then go piss." Me: "The movie's about to start. I don't want to miss the opening." K-: "Then hold it." Me: "Wait a sec, I have an idea. There's a cup on the floor." And I act like I'm rooting around and finding a cup. K- is incredulous and assumes that I'm bluffing when I pantomime whipping my member out and refilling the cup. Then I hold it up to the light. At this stage, K- is starting to suspect that I may have finally degenerated down to the level of pissing in a cup in a movie theater next to her, but she's skeptical. Mountain Dew is roughly the same color, anyhow. She reaches for the cup to bring it closer to her for better inspection and feels that it's warm. Cue minor freakout. I start laughing and moving it closer, acting like I'm about to spill it all over her. Cue the most hilarious shitstorm of obscenities I've ever heard come out of this girl's mouth. Man, I just kept pushing, she just kept cursing like a sailor and getting ever-closer to breaking up with me right then and there, and it just kept getting funnier. Even when I wanted to explain that it wasn't piss, I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get a word out, and that pissed her off even more. Finally, T- (laughing her ass off too) leaned over and said, "It's not urine. He got them to fill a cup with popcorn butter." K- was so embarassed/pissed that she didn't talk to me for a couple days after that. I can't believe that she put up with stuff like that for two whole years.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a summer camp. It was some sort of Karate Camp that lasted about a week or two. I never wanted to stay at the camp longer than a single week because it sucked. We (the campers) were grouped into cabins based on our age groups. We would pick out a number of activities that we were expected to attend at the designated times. I never went to any of these activities and they rarely noticed. Since kids came and went every week they had very poor attendance records. This is not what families want to hear but it's true. I usually skipped out on the schedule activities and played four-square all day. It sure beat waiting in line to fire arrows at bails of hay. Besides, four-square is just an awesome game. That's all that really mattered at camp.. Besides the cabin warfare.

All of the cabins beefed with each other in order to create some sort of competitive edge during games. There were cabin games that would put cabin against cabin in various competitions such as boating, swimming, hiking, archery, and whatever other cockamamie games the counselors could fathom. The games were simplistic and designed to kill time and entertain the masses. It's been a long tradition for campers to create their own forms of entertainment. Pranks were often grade-A choice.

Cabin A would do something to Cabin B and then try to blame it on Cabin C causing a war to break out between the cabins while Cabin A watched and laughed.

One night our entire cabin decided to save up our piss in old milk jugs. Once the weekend came we picked the lock to the senior cabin while everyone was away at their various activities. We left a heavy coat of our urine cocktail on the cement floor of their cabin. We vanished without a trace. No one suspected the youngest cabin and the war was waged between two innocent cabins.

Seeing how easy this was to accomplish I don't doubt how easy it would be to do this to entire countries.