Gravity

thought 2 months ago...

You came to me in a dream the other nightyou seemed to exist in multiple stages of our life, sometimes just a small child and other times you were 25… you couldn’t stay and you didn’t want to, despite missing usYou described death to me.. you told me it was like falling to sleep but you said it was a feeling heavier than gravity- like falling through earths crust. You told me death and Heaven weren’t quite what I think. You looked so tired to be alive… but I was so hesitant to let you leave me again.
I’m scared, you know. Your mom hasn’t said it, but I think she’s dying. Mom told me they found a spot on her lung and she has the same knots on her chest that our family friend had, shortly before the cancer spread to her brain and killed her. Your mom told me she wouldn’t make it to 50… Your mom has been so depressed since you died- I wonder if she will fall asleep and if it will be heavier than gravity, when she closes her eyes. I’m taking your presumed death date off on Wednesday to be with her.
I’m scared that your death is a domino effect. If your mom dies your brother will probably follow… He’s overdosed so many times since you died, the grief has eaten him alive. If your mother dies, both of your sisters will relapseI just know they will. Grandpa may also be dying… if grandma loses her daughter and her husband in the same year, I think it could kill her. If my mom loses your mom or her mom, I know her alcoholism will get worse and I may lose my relationship with her.
I spent the better part of my teen years and my 20s trying to bleed myself into the glue to keep our family together… but what if you were the real glue? I’ve never fit in with our family- I’ve just always been the mediator, but I can’t seem to keep us all from falling apart. I’m so scared. The little girl who loved her family with all her heart, just wants her best friend back, because I know you felt the same way. We both loved our family to our own demise, despite not feeling there was a place for us in it. My heart is begging you to come backI wish death wasn’t heavier than gravity.

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