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I bought a piece of posterboard at the store tonight when I went to pick up supplies for tonight. I'm planning to get stoned again and color. I got some of the lime fruit bars I like, and a gallon of sweet tea.
I feel like a new person this week. I can't wait for Noah to get back from Haiti so I can ask him to score some more weed for me. I was in the desert and smoking weed has become an oasis. Where the little blue pills have failed me, my little blue glass spoon succeeds. I laugh and smile. I don't smoke cigarettes.
I already have something of a ritual. Mom goes to bed, and I head out to the garage with my bowl wrapped in a plastic bag. I do three hits, then wait for the bowl to cool, wrap it up again, bring it back into the house and put it in the tiny freezer in my fridge because nobody looks there. I go to the deep freeze and get a lime bar and eat it as I'm coming up. The sour and sweet and coldness of it tingles in my mouth, and by the time I've finished the bar, I'm happily stoned and excited for what the night will bring me.
Last night Psych made me a mix that involved "Kids" by MGMT. I suddenly understood electronic music better than I ever have before and ached to be in a big group of sweaty people dancing my ass off. He labeled the mix as a message to my higher consciousness and holy hell, the message came through.
My higher consciousness is actually a happy person. That's what's the best part of it. I'm not someone else, I'm me, but I'm the me I'm supposed to be. It's already at the point where all day today I've felt like I'm just killing time until I can light up again. Part of that has to do with the fact that Saturdays usually don't have much going on, and Mom is hurt so I've stuck around the house to help her.
There's a bottle on the kitchen counter with five Vicodin in it and I want one but I know it'll be noticed if I take one. I'll wait until I get my surgery for painkillers. For now, weed is totally getting me through. It's my new best friend and I'm considering just keeping a supply around because I haven't had any anxiety at all this week.