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I should have walked away when you drunkenly pressured me into a handjob. It was the start of so many times where my feelings had no bearing on your decisions. I should have walked away when I asked for a relationship & you said you didn't want to limit what we could be. I should have walked away every single time you dismissed me, made me feel small and insignificant and pointless. I should have walked away when you stopped confiding in me, when you fell through on one of the biggest chances I've taken with my kinky heart with such flippant disregard. It shattered me. I look back over those 4-5 years and I feel so utterly used and ashamed.
But I didn't walk away. There were times where you made me feel so special. You told me I was the one you confided in, you told me you loved me, you told me I was wonderful & did so many small and important things to make me feel loved. You held my hand. You touched my body. You did things you knew I saved for people who had my heart, and in turn, I assumed I had yours. And I was wrong.
More than wrong, I was a fool. I refused to accept the truth of who you are. I refused to accept what I saw, because it meant walking away from something I wanted so badly. As angry as I am, as used as I feel, as hurt as I am, I acknowledge that the fault is mine. My pride kept me from accepting that the man who would fuck anything with a pulse wouldn't fuck me. My shame that I wasn't wired the same as you kept me from accepting my own truth and leaving behind things not meant for me. It is absolutely my fault that I let this go on for as long as I did. A part of me thinks I owe you an apology for not just accepting you and parting ways when I realized we would never work. My stupid pride.
So here I am. I'm saying sorry. I'm sorry this went on as long as it did, I'm sorry I led you on in whatever way I did that the way you treated me was acceptable, I'm sorry I tried to change myself to be what I thought you wanted. I'm sorry my feelings got hurt because of my inability to accept reality. I'm sorry I had to walk away so abruptly. I'm sorry for the heartache I may have caused you, or the confusion. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.