Apology

To everyone I love, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I left. I'm sorry that I came back. I'm sorry that I left again. I'm sorry that I came back again.

I'm sorry that I have a disorder that makes me delusional. I'm sorry that my disorder flattens my affect sometimes. I'm sorry that it touches everyone around me. I'm sorry I have to take pills to feel normal. I'm sorry that the pills don't work like they're supposed to.

I'm sorry that I lie to you. I'm sorry that I tell you the truth. I'm sorry for going all word-salad when I get manic. I'm sorry for the damage my tongue has caused.

I'm sorry that I like sex. I'm sorry that I have sex with people who aren't you. I'm sorry you and I never had sex. I'm sorry that I like drugs. I'm sorry for drinking. I'm sorry that I stay out late. I'm sorry I'm an adult. I'm sorry I'm a child.

I'm sorry I can't make Dad stop drinking. I'm sorry I can't make Mom start having fun with her life. I'm sorry I can't help my sister understand that she doesn't need to kiss boys to be liked. I'm sorry I can't help my sister understand that she's beautiful even though she's heavy. I'm sorry I still carry this sibling rivalry. I'm sorry I feel like shit whenever I'm around my sister.

I'm sorry for my fuckups and my failures. I'm sorry that when I succeeded, it hurt you. I'm sorry that I still carry the dream that causes you pain. I'm sorry that I can't hold a normal-person job without going completely out of my mind.

I'm sorry I can't join the Army. I'm sorry I can't join AmeriCorps. I'm sorry I can't do humanitarian work. I'm sorry my passport expired. I'm sorry that I'm out of shape. I'm sorry that I can't bring myself to buy a plane ticket.

I'm sorry I still live at home. I'm sorry that I don't have a door I can close. I'm sorry that it seems like I'm not trying to move out. I'm sorry that I'm in your personal space. I'm sorry I told you to turn off the TV so I could sleep. I'm sorry for ruining your slumber party. I'm sorry that my groceries are taking up half the freezer. I'm sorry I didn't share my Fruit Roll-Ups.

I'm sorry you can't take me home to your family. I'm sorry all your friends hate me. I'm sorry you hate me. I'm sorry I drove you to hate me. I'm sorry I got myself into this mess. I'm sorry I don't have a chance to explain why all this happened. I'm sorry my reason sounds like an excuse.

I'm sorry I never sang your song to you. I'm sorry I led you on. I'm sorry I kissed you. I'm sorry I told you I would come back. I'm sorry I was a bitch to you. I'm sorry I was so good to you. I'm sorry I stayed. I'm sorry I let you hurt me so much. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I'm sorry I didn't let you hurt me more.

I'm sorry I read your notebooks. I'm sorry I read your notebooks again. I'm sorry I never let you read my notebooks. I'm sorry I let someone else read my notebooks. I'm sorry I even keep notebooks.

I'm sorry for giving you that diary. I'm sorry for pushing your guilt button unintentionally. I'm sorry for pushing it intentionally. I'm sorry for manipulating you. I'm sorry I didn't manipulate you when you wanted me to. I'm sorry I haven't cut you out of my life. I'm sorry I've cut you off. I'm sorry that I still love you. I'm sorry I told you that I'd do anything to get you back. I'm sorry that I wrote you that poem.

I'm sorry for being connected to you. I'm sorry I didn't hold you tighter while you were here. I'm sorry I said goodbye. I'm sorry I let you fly away from me. I'm sorry I can't see you for a long time. I'm sorry we don't kythe like we used to. I'm sorry I let parts of my heart die so I wouldn't hurt so badly when you were far away. I'm sorry I didn't get you tattooed into my shoulder. I'm sorry I didn't hurt you worse so you'd remember what it was like. I'm sorry I didn't kiss you enough. I'm sorry I let him in when you went to her.

I'm sorry I miss you so much.

I'm sorry I'm me.

I'm sorry I'm like this.

I'm sorry I love you.

I'm so very sorry.

"Has anyone apologized to you recently?"

What the hell is he talking about? Why would someone apologize to me? Has someone done something wrong? I can't remember. This is no way to start our dinner conversation.

"What? About what?" is all I managed to say.

"About Saturday. That Saturday a couple of weeks ago."

I'm so confused.

"At that party..."

Now I remember. The frat party. The time when the football player got in my face, screamed at me, hit my friend, gave me nightmares (I never expected to be so affected).

"No. Why would someone apologize for that now?"

I'm so confused. After a couple of bad dreams, I had pretty much blocked it out of my mind.

"I told them if they don't apologize to you and your roommate by Friday, I'm getting the head of Greek life involved."

What? Why the hell would he do that.

"I don't really want to talk to them."

I wasn't lying. I don't want to talk to them, him, his frat. I don't want to be around them. They still scare me, I've just started avoiding their events.

"You don't have to TALK to them. It can be like, a letter of apology."

A letter? Are you fucking kidding me? It's never gonna happen. I don't want it to happen. I want to forget about it. I don't want it to come up anymore.

Just then, more people joined us at the table, and the subject was dropped. I wish he hadn't done that. I don't want them near me. They didn't even know my NAME before. Now they do. That makes me MORE uncomfortable than I was before.