Kinky

I'm very cynical when it comes to love. Not the principal itself, as much as I wish I wasn't a hopeless romantic I believe in true love. No what I am really cynical about is my own ability to get into a relationship.

I am a 22 year old who has never been kissed, so lack of being in a relationship ... ever is making me a bit wear of my own ability to ever be in a relationship. There are a lot of factors in this I'm overweight, yadi yadi yada. But the biggest new concern to me is that I'm pretty sure I'm not kinky.

Ok so I'm betting my particular circle of friends has a lot of people who are more seriously into certain kinks then the general population. I love them all they are great people, and I have never thought any less of them for what they may or may not do in the bedroom. But hanging out with them is kind of leading me to feel like I won't be able to find a nice guy who isn't into some big fetish which I just don't think I can do.

You see I have the whole theory on dating that I would rather be alone then with someone who really isn't right for me. I know you have to make compromises and no one is perfect, I'm certainly not. But there are some things I just can't compromise on.

I'm catholic and while I think it’s nearly impossible to follow their standard of no sex till marriage, I know it would take me a very long time till I felt it was ok to have sex in a relationship. So I need a guy who will respect that. That’s hard enough to do now a days, But back to sex and the whole kinkiness thing. It probably is my group of friends but I just think I am far too vanilla for the average guy now.

There is a definite no poop, pee or vomit clause something I believe the general population is ok with. But beyond that I just could not do bondage, or well at least not the being tied up part. I don't even like people to push me when I am on the swing set because I feel too out of control, it freaks me out. Being tied up would be deeply emotionally upsetting to me and I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything. And as for doing the tieing I mean I guess I could but it just seems like a lot of work for something I won't even enjoy. And goodness knows I am lazy as hell.

I have a chronic illness so I definitely can't be a masochist, I don’t think anyone can. I am in pain all of the time, there is nothing sexy about pain to me. That and I am an extremely slow healer, I mean something that won't even bruise someone else will end up leaving a large mark on me for weeks. I would make one shitty sadist because I know I would like hit them or something and then apologize and ask if I did it too hard, probably ruining any sexiness for them. Or alternately I would probably go into fits of giggling whilst attempting to ask "who’s been a bad boy."

I really don't want to be spanked, don't want to be humiliated or humiliate others, there is no way in hell I an getting a piercing in my tongue boobs or more sensitive regions (although is someone else is pierced I wouldn't care), positively no choking me, I don't want to be filmed or photographed, I’m pretty sure I would not have threesomes, am far to jealous and afraid of STD’s to ever be in a poly relationship, I think that cell phones are too much of a distraction for drivers so no roadhead will be happening, and I am definitely not a furry.

Will I ever be able to find a man out there who will be attracted to me, be conservative in what he will and will not do, but very liberal and supportive of the lifestyles of others. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the world who is religious, but non judgmental, and politically liberal.

Why was I not born in the 1940’s. I could deal with the whole dating thing if there were strict rules and it was considered normal to not have sex with someone in a relationship unless it was a very serious relationship headed towards marriage. Shit, give me Victorian values and I would be thriving even better, only bad girls kiss before marriage. I could have been a bad girl during the Victorian era and kiss someone or flash my ankles to get mardi gras beads, and gone to my women’s suffrage meetings. I am good at dealing with the whole no sex thing.

In so many ways I just don’t feel like I fit in with society and more specifically the society within my very very liberal college. In my group of friends I am the prude religious one. It’s not even like I’m that religious I only go to church once or twice a year. I’m very spiritual, and quite frankly to me it doesn’t matter what particular spiritual beliefs you may be attached to, it’s just nice to be able to talk to people who believe in something beyond what they can see. I miss being with people who see something remotely similar to what I see in the world.

Atheists and Agonistics are wonderful people the world needs to have skeptics and seekers of truth. But I just feel like something more is out there, and we see the world completely differently. They see no evidence, while I see God (or some other force) alive in everyone and everything.

And again this loops back to the whole religion and sex thing, (P.S. not suggesting atheists are overly kinky or that religious people can’t be here). My church says that sex is something dirty that is only permissible between married people who are attempting to conceive a child. I don’t buy that not for one minute. I believe that sex is something highly spiritual. I mean yea over idealistic virgin warning here, but sex should be the temporary joining of body’s and soul between two individuals, and that’s something really beautiful and intimate. I just couldn’t do it without really knowing and deeply loving someone, because it’s not all about pleasure it’s about being close to someone on another level.

I’m glad that the whole sexual liberation thing happened, but a big part of me knows it’s just not for me. I honestly don’t want to have all kinds of crazy sex with lots of people. The ideal for me is doing relatively tame stuff with someone I love and intend to spend the rest of my life with. In a polyamorous world I am like the whooping crane, I’m that funny little endangered animal which just wants to find a mate for life. I mean duh want to date a few people, not ready for marriage anytime soon, but you know what I mean.

I’m a one woman one man, no peeing on each other, no whips, kind of gal. Desperately praying that there is a one woman one man, no peeing on each other, no whips kind of guy out there somewhere waiting for me, And that he is hanging out with all of his cool ubber liberal friends.

View Thinker #1f6774's profile

I wouldn't worry about it, yo. I would think there's plenty of more conservative people out there. Yeah, maybe not likely at a more liberal college but whatev. Particularly I'm assuming when people settle down and want to start families... i'm sure like many things people do in college, binge drinking for example, that crazy sex just gets both a little old or just makes you feel too old and out of place doing it after a while that most people quit eventually. Of course, the downside to that is who wants to wait until everyone else settles down? But at least that's something to think about.

Also, plenty of guys are just happy to get whatever sex they can get, so won't risk anything that weirds you out.

I'm sure there's some hardcore jesus freaks who'd love that you're vanilla. ;) Just try not to find one with too narrow of a mind.

View Thinker #000000's profile

I really think that you're overblowing the effect of your non-kinkiness on your romantic prospects. Anyhow, I've always been under the belief that if a matter of sexual preference keeps you and someone else from being together, then the relationship probably wasn't that strong to begin with. "I’m pretty sure I would not have threesomes, am far to jealous and afraid of STD’s to ever be in a poly relationship" Skipping past the issue of jealousy, which I've always seen as silly, fear of STDs is no reason to avoid having physical relationships with the people that you love. Just make sure everyone involved gets tested and uses protection. "I have a chronic illness so I definitely can't be a masochist, I don’t think anyone can." Yeah, there are such things as masochists. "I am in pain all of the time, there is nothing sexy about pain to me." Well, it's always harder to appreciate something that's always there. For masochists, there's a thrill in submitting to pain for brief sessions, and at the same time a sense of intimacy engendered by the trust shared between partners. Furthermore, pain in general doesn't equate to suffering unless if the mind chooses to make it. So many people figure that pain might as well be enjoyed along with the rest of the sensations that life offers us. "That and I am an extremely slow healer, I mean something that won't even bruise someone else will end up leaving a large mark on me for weeks." People in BDSM circles with a bit of training have methods of inflicting pain or other sense-play (sensory deprivation, cold, heat, tickling, etc.) that doesn't leave superficial marks. Incidentally, so do government interrogators. The impression that I get from you is that you want to be counterculture, freak, kink, whatever, but you don't want to do the kink sex stuff. What you need to realize is that it is counterculture to just be cool with those kinds of practices, and openly so. You don't have to "qualify" by engaging in deviant sexual behavior, you just have to promote the idea that it's not the most horrible thing in the world to want to have fetishy sex with your partner. Also, the "sexual liberation thing" was more about making available previously oppressed forms of contraception and relaxing puritanical mores so that people were free to have the kinds of sex lives that they wanted (especially in the sense that women could choose not to be wives or mothers if they didn't want to be), not glorifying promiscuity. So the "sexual liberation thing" is for you if you don't want to consider yourself the property of men, forced to marry and conceive children at their whim. But yeah. Moral of the story is this: Don't apologize for not being kinky and don't think that it makes you less attractive. You're not the kind of person that denounces sexual deviants for being "wrong", so you're more enlightened than a good chunk of the Western world.

View Thinker #c00f9b's profile

Obviously I know there are such things as masochists. My comment was meant to be I don't believe you can be a massochist when you have a chronic illness. I mean I suppose if you were into that lifestyle before you would probably continue. But yea I don't think there are many people out there with Lupus, Fybromialga, or even something like juvenile arthritis who get pleasure out of pain.

Obviously a lot of it is that its really easy to ignore something that is there constantly. But I think the larger part is that when you have no choice in dealing with pain every day, you really don't want to add more to that pile. I experience a lot of pain doing things like walking, or writing notes, and I have tremendous difficulty sleeping because I keep waking myself up because I'm in so much pain. I smile and deal with it without much complaint, but it is the one thing in my life that I will never be able to escape from. If something has been forced into your life through no action of your own, and you know that no matter what you do you will never be able to rid yourself of it; your probably not going to have happy feelings towards this thing whatever it may be.

As for being part of the whole kinky counterculture, I don't really feel the need to. But the thing is that for some reason many people in nerd culture (which I am so a part of) seem to be very strongly linked with people who are kinky. I love video games, RPG's, awesomely bad movies, and going to ren faire; I am very strongly part of the nerd subculture. But as I have observed thus far, all males in my social circle are into things that I personally could not do. So its not really a wanting to be part of a counterculture, so much as wishing that there was a male in my group whose sexual views and practices more closely fit in with my own.

Thanks for your comments though black square person and light blue square person.

View Thinker #fc785d's profile

I can relate with you on a lot of these issues. People out there may claim to want to do those kinky things, but not everyone will do it all the time. Or they'll mention it but never really get to it. Don't worry. Be happy.

A lot of guys just like to shove their penises into vaginas, ejaculate and roll over to go to sleep. And by a lot, I mean...most of them.

(off topic observation: penises isn't recognized as being spelled wrong, but vaginas is. I wunner what the correct plural form is for that....I looked it up; I guess Firefox likes 'vaginae')

View Thinker #000000's profile

Well, to be fair, have you ever shoved your penis into a vagina, ejaculated, and rolled over to go to sleep? It's pretty awesome.

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