Asexual

Finding an online asexual community might be the greatest relief the Internet has ever brought me (except maybe being able to watch True Blood online, haha).

I've usually considered myself more or less asexual for most of my life, although I've often been hesitant to use the word. Then I met the boy-creature I fell in love with. And counterintuitive as this may seem... I've been doing some thinking and I think that really confirmed my asexual identity for myself. It's that old saying about exceptions proving rules... I'd felt other sorts of "attractions" to or "interest" in people, like I could look up to somebody, or aesthetically judge them to be good-looking or cute, or want to hug people, or be impressed by them, or be otherwise fascinated with some aspect of them. And I'd always be, like... "Oh, is this attraction? Does this make me want to date them or do adult-things with them?" and the answer was usually "I have no idea what that means but it sounds claustrophobic" to the first and "NO" to the second, but maybe I was just "too young" for that sort of thing yet (yeah, all the way until I was 19).

Then he happened, and I am ENTIRELY SURE that this is NOT how I respond to people. Of either gender. EVER. It was COMPLETELY new and unfamiliar and like NOTHING I had ever felt compelled to seek out or desired to feel at all. And I do not understand how normal people bloody LIVE like this, if they're really getting those sorts of feelings all over the place...

And then I was very confused about a lot of things for a while. But I think the fact that I was so incredibly confused at what was happening to me at least clears up one sort of confusion--I know what sexual attraction is, and it's NOT how I feel about men or women!

And apparently there are a bunch of us. This is such an incredible relief.

The girl I'm seeing, who for the 18 years of her life believed herself to be asexual, having never felt any sexual attraction to anyone, ever, has confessed that for the first time in her life, she is having sexual feelings toward someone in addition to romantic feelings. That person is me.

There are no words to describe how I feel right now.

Beyond the obvious happiness that maybe one day we might make love (A term I rarely ever use), I'm a bit scared, too.

I've never taken a girl's virginity, let alone been the first and only person they've ever felt sexual attraction towards. If she ever decides to take a chance and give herself to me, I will be responsible for not only giving her a worthy first time to look back on, but also trying to prove how wonderful sex really can be when it's with the right person.

I'm shaking. I'm not sure if it's because I'm terrified, or excited.