Happiness

HAPPINESS...

is a soft touch and him whispering in my ear. is feeling the warmth of your body next to mine.

doesn't last my dear.

You know, since I left Sunday I've been getting these random fits of smiling for no reason other than thinking of you. I get this tingle that runs down my body that feels warm and comfortable. I had such a surge of happiness, I had this raw burst of emotion sweep through me and I welled up a bit. These feelings are because of you. I love you.

So yeah... I've changed the way I think a bit. Instead of thinking "I'll be happy when this happens" or "I'll be happy when that happens," I think "Why can't I be happy now? And instead of picking apart why I can be happy, I pick apart why I can't. You guys are welcome to try it.

Happiness is a long talk with plenty of physical contact. My head in the lap of a guy that I can actually feel comfortable with. As I look up at him, he strokes my hair and smiles.

There is no worry about time. No limit to how long we can speak. It's absolute freedom from the restraints of every day hectic life.

The conversation is smooth and quiet, and we listen intently to each other. We don't need sexual stimulation, only mental.

This is happiness.

I recently moved in with my companion. I don't say boyfriend because we're both open to life and the fun that it brings. He's my lover, and my best friend, and that's the way we want to keep it. When people label relationships so many problems seem to arise. Moving out of my parent's house has been strange to me, first time away from my mom, but at least I know she has my step dad. They don't believe in marriage but I consider him my step dad because he's the only father figure I've ever had in my life.

My mother left my biological sperm donor when I was 5 months old because he was bad news to say the least. Things were ok until he started getting abusive when I was a baby and when he tried to hit me (my mother told me) she packed up and left. We had to go into a womens shelter for a while, but things worked out. Mom relocated far away from him and started a new life raising me. It was tough for her, I know, And things got a lot tougher when she found out that she needed a liver transplant. Luckily, they found a compatible match in time, and my mother had a completely successful transplant on the day of my 5th birthday. But still, It's scary being 4-5 years old and having people tell you that mommy might not come back form the hospital. That's when my eating problem started. I was sad. At the time I have no idea of what depression was, but I felt it, and I started to eat my pain away. Hence my current weight....which I hate, but I know I can change it, and I'm working towards a healthier life. My mother was given 3 years after the transplant to live, and she's made it to see my 18th birthday. We went 16 years without a man in the house.

Right now I'm doing my best to put the things in my past behind me, and work towards living in general. I finally have the motivation to do what I need to do. He makes me want to survive and show everybody that I am going to do amazing things with my life. One day, I know I will write a book, and even if it's not a bestseller I can still share my experiences and my overcoming of so many obstacles with depression and life, and maybe reach out to someone that has been though similar things. I want my story to inspire and give people hope one day.

I have found this haven of happiness and I will hold on to it as tightly as possible.

To anyone that reads this, never give up. Just grit your teeth and take the pain, because good things WILL come. I know that more than most.