Undone

I’ve settled into my new life finally. I’ve given up trying to fight it and I’m just floating around now. I’ve been floating for a while now. Not really there kind of somewhere else.

My father’s trying to sponsor my aunt into the country. My grandmother passed away a year ago and now she’s pretty much homeless my seventeen year old cousin trying hard to support them his father having passed away too.

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Thinking about how it takes ten years for approval. How I sit here in the cold without heat because I can’t pay for it but there she is half way around the world with absolutely nothing.

Her only family so far away. Why am I so selfish? How can I be so unhappy and have so much in comparison?

My insides hurt. There’s a literal pain in the center of my chest that I can actually point to. That catches me off guard sometimes stunning me forcing me to stand still.

I hate not moving.

I hate being stuck and trapped suddenly I think I’m claustrophobic and I’ve been trying hard to keep it down trying hard to distract myself to dull it.

People are starting to notice. The people I want to hide it from the most.

I don’t know.

I’m silently coming undone at the seams and I really don’t care anymore. I’m just letting the instability hang out and I’m closing my eyes trying hard not to notice.

I’ve been here before. I’ve stood in this fog this swirl of things I can see but can’t touch and it passes usually.

This isn’t passing.

I’m adapting to this. I’m working my life around it. I’m suddenly numb and I can’t remember how to jump start myself back into feeling.

I suppose we all go through this. Life is about the ups and downs. Somehow though the downs are becoming lower and lower lasting longer and longer.

Hell I always knew I was imbalanced, might as well make it public.

It’s best to lower the expectations. It keeps people from diluting themselves into thinking that I’m worth anything, that I could save anyone else. Hell I can’t even keep myself above water.

Maybe I’m just tired. I’ve stopped sleeping again. I can’t help it. I’ve come undone and I think I’m going to stay that way for a while.