Alteration

I just finished doing some very minor alterations to a new shirt that I just bought. It made me think about the alterations in my life. I try to think about how I am changing every day. I try to make a change in myself in some fashion as often as I notice something I don't like about myself. Right now I'm trying to loose weight because I feel as though I used to be prettier when my face and my body were thinner. I see these pictures from before I was really stressed out and I wonder, "Where did she go? Who is this person in the mirror now?"

I no longer feel comfortable being myself. I need to make that alteration for me. Not for someone else. For me. The alterations I make are always for me, I make things happen to me happen on my terms, if that makes sense. I mean, I find a lot of girls who weigh about the same as me to be absolutely gorgeous, but I just feel like I don't carry it well. This is my vein alteration.

Internally I am constantly trying to be kind, compassionate, and empathetic with everyone, no matter how painful or difficult that may be for me, and sometimes it's really, truly painful. I think that I would be a better person if I could just finish letting go of all the pettiness that I still have inside of me. I feel more connected to trees, flowers, grasses, herbs, and animals of all varieties than most people I've met in my life. There is a rather odd pull towards the earth that I don't think people really understand from me. I've internalized that and I try and expand on it because I feel as though that part of me is so connected, and so tranquil and understanding to people who are not me. I like that. I don't know where I was really going with this paragraph. I haven't slept a lot recently...so I'm kind of tired.

Basically, I need to go to bed because I have to wake up early again tomorrow.

But.

I just feel like I only have so much time before I will have to move on. This is true, I do only have so much time before I'll have to move on. I'm like a fish that a little kid buys in the store. I started in a tank that was in a store, lots of people would see it and this little fish would interact with all of the little fish just like it to some degree. Then, some kid makes mommy and daddy bring it home for them. So, after having been purchased, I was put into solitary confinement. This plastic bag where very few would or could see me. I would go, for the most part, unnoticed. Then, I was transfered into another tank, a more diverse tank. I lived here for a while. Then the little kid grew up and no longer felt the need for a fish. I was to be taken to a local pond, teaming with wildlife. I was a new, small fish in a huge pond with only my two fishy companions from before, but we weren't really that close. Now they are all that I have. I don't know how I feel about this pond... I am almost afraid except for the fact that I do not fear that which I have not experienced. That's all that this will be : one more experience before I find a stream to float away to a river on, then down the river to the ocean and away I'll go.....

Away I'll go.....

Each alteration entirely different from the last.

Each environment, more importantly, different from the last.

I look forward to making these differences in my life, these changes. I don't know who or what I shall become but I am excited to meet her.

Hopefully she is kind.