Honesty

why do I feel the need to scream into the ether instead of keeping my private thoughts totally secret? it frustrates me that I can't honestly speak my mind online, on my facebook or my livejournal, without offending or worrying someone on my friends lists. offending I could justify, but worrying people by ranting or crying in 'public' online doesn't sit right with me.

I want to know someone's listening. just... nobody who cares. I want to be completely honest and let it out.

it has been so awkward between us lately. I really don't want it to be, but that's how it turned out. She is literally my best friend here. I would hate to lose her. I don't even talk to my roommate like I talk to her. I guess it's mostly my fault though. I started dating her almost boyfriend. She says that it doesn't bother her, but I can't help but feel like I'm betraying her in some way. There are times when he will come up in conversation, and I feel like she closes herself off to me. Maybe it's just all in my head. I want to tell her about everything that's going on, but it would probably be too weird. Both of them are really important to me, and I refuse to pick between them. I don't know i should probably just talk to her about it.

I want her to know that she can tell me. I don't know why she doesn't know already, but I'm saying it again. Part of me hopes she's reading this right now so that she sees how much I just want her to trust me. I feel like there are secrets between us. And I'm not naive enough to think that friends share EVERYTHING, but she is happy about something, and I wish she would let me be happy for her too......... I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. Try to act like I don't care. Maybe she'll find the right moment....