Forgive

I think the turning point of my life came shortly after Columbine. All I had to do was look at myself to see I was headed in the same direction. I was so filled with hate and anger about everything. I saw how much energy it was taking up, and in a moment of clarity I realized that if they knew how much they were hurting me they wouldn't be able to do it. That if people knew how much pain they were causing another person they couldn't possibly go through with it. So I forgave them, I forgave them all and it was freeing. You never realize how much energy hatred takes up untill you get rid of it.

I don't hate anyone anymore, I don't think I am really capable of it. And while I generally am good at forgiving people for offenses they have done to me I cannot forgive someone if they have hurt one of my friends.

It's not entirely irrational. When I am friends with someone I am loyal to the end. I know that none of my friends would want me to be angry about someone just because something bad happened between them, but I do. I feel that friendship is sacred, and I admittedly get overprotective about my friends.

I went for so long without having friends, and when I finally got to a point where I was having a semi normal social life they all abandoned me. I guess from that point I decided that there was no point in keeping up a friendship with people that I only felt lukewarm about. People that were fun to hang out with, but who I knew I couldn't go to if I was in trouble.

As much as I preach being non judgmental, I am the most judgmental person in the world when it comes to choosing my friends. I am not going to waste my time if I think I can't trust you.

Sometimes it's all from a bad first impression, a bad vibe, or that lie you told about one of my friends behind their back, or maybe it was the time you purposely set best friends against each other in an attempt to have control over both of them, or maybe you were the guy who hooked up with someone and never spoke to them again. I can't forgive you, and while I generally won't go out of my way to be mean that won't stop me from talking.

I recognize that this makes me a bad person, I recognize that my friends probably wouldn't want me feeling this way, and I recognize that this is truly and honestly who I am.

I am defensive of others as I am defensive of myself. If you have done something to me, I probably know you well enough to justify how or why it happened and forgive you. If you hurt a friend of mine all I see is a glaring character flaw, and a person I no longer have a desire to associate with.

I am a bitch and if the things that are said behind my back are as bad as what I say about you, then it just might be fair and deserved.

All I can say is that I am living the only way I know how. Being brutally honest in facing my own emotions. Even if no one else understands them, or finds them logical. the truth has to be felt, if I spend time trying to convince myself that something is right just because it is logical or socially acceptable, then I have lost the truth of that moment.

He looks at me and asks "Can you ever forgive me." I tell him "I already have.I did the moment you hurt me."

I had a dream last night that me and my recently ex-friend were actually getting along. We were playing around and laughing just like old times. She had obviously gotten over whatever problem she had with me, and I had obviously forgiven her for throwing away our friendship. So this had been going on for a while, but then she looked me dead in the face, completely serious, and said "you know this doesn't change anything." I didn't exactly know what to say to that, but I know I put a wall between us after that. Then once we got back to the dorms (because we had been hanging out) it was worse than before. Not only were we pretending that the other doesn't exist, we were doing pretty shit to make the other person's life hell. I think at one point we almost got in a fight.

I'm not exactly sure what to make of this dream. I'm pretty sure I'm not pissed at her anymore and I'm pretty sure I don't want to be her friend anymore. I don't really know. I'll be glad when this whole thing is over.