Addiction

Am i addicted to the feeling of things? Am i addicted to the rise and fall? Now when i say rise and fall. I dont mean about one particular thing. I mean multiple things. Love, sex, drama, baking, depression, negativity, being high and the list could go on and on. Am i adicted to the rise my back makes before the sex is over? Am i addicted to the smell of the cupcakes i make right befire they are ready to come out the oven? Am i addicted to the overwhelming thought of ending it all and then feeling as though i can finally have a new start? Maybe its the over all numbing that comes with these things. The sensation like there is nothing else in the world at that moment and it is just me. Or maybe not even me but my body enjoying the sensations around it. But you see with every rise there is a fall. And it might be selfish of me to say but part of me does enjoy the fall because i get the chance to feel it again. I get to feel the high one more time. And for some i can control the time line and for others i can not. Im aware some of these are problems. But im not entierly sure i want to fix them. People look to me for advice and i answer them. Somehow i know what to say. I just dont know what to say to myself or who to hear it from that can actually make an impact enough for me.

But through out all of this. For some fucking reason i wish you were here with me. I wish you could read this. I wish you would know. The reality is i enjoy my time being with you. And i know i have not seen all of you yet, just like you havent seen me. But i hope one day you do see me and i do see you. Only if you let me. I wish i was there or that you were here because i undoubtedly know that we would be laughing right now. And i could use that. However part of me is glad youre not here. Because if you could see what im about to type.. Im not sure how you would react. The thing is... I hope to God and the heavens above that you are not apart of any of my addictions. Because when im high im with you, when i smile, laugh, arch my back, sometimes even cry, you are there. And i dont want to associate you with any of my adictions. Because i really do care for you. When i think of you i smile. And it scares me because it reminds me of what i used to do with him. And i know he only fed mine.

He is everything that is wrong for me. He is everything that I am not attracted to. And yet, I crave him.

I've never been addicted to anything in my life, so this is fucking ridiculous. Why can't I stop thinking about him? I think he's my addiction.