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I haven't cried over a crush in 3 and a half years. I was so proud of that, I thought that part of my life was over. Well I started crying about an hour and a half ago, and except for maybe a five minute period, it really hasn't stopped. I am not ashamed of crying. But I am definitely ashamed of crying over this.
My personality is ridiculous. I was sitting in my room today trying so hard not to cry. Tears were welling up, and I was forcing them back down. Right before I was about to give up and just let them come my roommate walked in. My mask was instantly back up. I had no control over it. The tears were gone as soon as she stepped foot in the room. A part of me actually wanted her to catch me crying. At least then someone would know I'm not as ok as I pretend to be. Since I was 12ish I've been perfecting my ability to hide whatever it is I'm feeling. Now, it even surprises me at how good I've gotten. I have to admit though, sometimes it's a little scary knowing that no one will be able to see through me, and see that I'm screaming.
I'm crying again for the fourth time in three days. I don't properly know why and I can't explain what I'm feeling out loud. I'm just so scared and I don't know why. I want to talk to someone about it, a shoulder to cry on, but I can't let my guard down around anyone. last night it was so bad I had to run out of the room to get a breather. then I started crying so I went and hid on the stairs. someone came out below me so I curled up and bit my lip to keep quiet. I couldn't bear the thought that she might see me and ask what was wrong. I didn't want to make her feel awkward because I was bawling my eyes out. my phone rang after about 45 minutes so I turned it off so no-one would hear it ring. I was so terrified of anyone seeing me like that, seeing me so vulnerable and scared.
I used to sob for hours for no discernible reason. Because some word would trigger a painful memory that I couldn't figure out. Or because I was tired. Or because I was PMSing. I'd wake up the next morning with eyes so swollen I couldn't see. I can only imagine how many people once thought me strong, only to change their minds when I started blubbering over something trivial.
It's really made me think. Where the hell do my emotions come from? If the simple correction of a hormone imbalance has restored my capacity to reason, where do all my other emotions come from? Are they just a simplistically fabricated? To be modulated by a chemical on/off switch?
I hadn't cried in two, maybe three years. Then, one night last spring, my he and I had gone on a walk because I was quite obviously pissed off and needed to be away. So, he took me out towards the trees of Christy Woods, which were closed off to us all, so while he went to go get me a stick to beat things with, I sat there in the parking lot behind Ball Gym and stared blankly at the darkness in the slates of the ventalation system.
He returned with a stick in hand and said my name. I looked up at him, attempting to push the tears down and away from the brims of my eyes before they over flowed. He dropped the stick behind him and sat down beside me. Placing an arm around my shoulders he wispered, "It'll be alright..." He didn't know what it was... I never talked about it with anyone. He must have thought I was stressed to the point of breaking because it was the end of the year. But really, I was full up with everything I could handle. Years of unshead tears, it turns out, will pour none too lightly.
Something inside of me said "It's alright" and I started crying. I cried for an hour, telling him about everything that I'd hidden from myself with regards to my parents, people, friends, etc. As I burried myself into his chest and his arms wrapped around me, I cried. I'd never felt so angry with myself. I felt weak, unstable, undeserving of any sort of honorable recognition. I felt extremely awkward as well. Later on that night I was thinking on the situation and told myself that I was to never do it again.... To this day, he is the only person in years that has seen me cry out of sadness and anger.
I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had really cried. Yesterday I cried, a lot, I lost a really good friend. There was a benefit show for him last night, I was around a ton of friends and I don’t think anyone that was there last night could say they didn’t cry. It was a celebration of his life, its really hard to describe people were laughing, dancing, and crying all at the same time. People were hugging and crying and every time I saw someone start to cry, I did too. All and all it was great to have everyone together, at the end of the night we all got in a big circle with are arms around each other while the band played “Lean on me” and we sang and danced and sent our good friend off. Only the good die young.