Dismal

Dismal. The outlook is dismal at best. I've learned to function without romantic love, and I'll do it for the rest of my life if I have to. But I won't be completely alive, completely whole. There's something in my wiring that causes me to need romantic love to get anywhere near optimal happiness. When I'm depressed, which is frequently, I need it to be happy at all. Truly happy, long-term happy, not brief, usually fleeting moments of happiness. I get thousands of those a day from my kid, but they're not the same. I'm sure, when he's a little older, he'll be able to express himself better, and that will help a bit. But that's an entire different sort of love. It's a kind I can't imagine living without, at this point, but I don't know that it springs from anything inherent, other than instinct and a parent's natural love for their child. I'm being very careful, and will be even more careful as my son gets older, to not place the responsibility of making me happy on him. I had a large role in creating him, but that doesn't make me feel like he owes me. It makes me feel like _I _ owe him. Not just food, shelter, necessities, and education, but.. well, everything. As much as I can give him. Dismal, though. Single moms aren't a hot commodity. I know one person whom I'm attracted to who is attracted back. He's 1100 miles away, and not interested in a long distance relationship. Plus he's still working on improving himself, which he feels is necessary to find someone who suits him, who compliments his personality, and who is local. I'm only two of those things, and I can't afford to move to his area. Not that I would, just for the potential of a possible relationship. I'm rash and unrooted, but I'd need at least a "Let's see how we do in person, I'm hoping we'd do well" set of convos to consider that. Of everyone else I still know who has an interest in me, or did/appeared to do so in the past, there's only one person I'd consider. But shyness is my curse, I don't know how he feels about long distance relationships, and he's quite busy. Plus I don't even know if the interest was purely sexual, or what. I keep changing for the better, slowly dragging myself along, but I don't know if there's enough change possible to make up for my single parenthood, for my weirdness and my legitimate issues, Especially since I'm sticking to my standards from here on out.