Poly

I'm always surprised when my partners genuinely want me to go do something with them, or are happy to see me, or make any sort of proposal about future anything involving me. I learned early on in my poly life to assume that I am a burden to be taken off the shelf and addressed as it is convenient and no other time. I've taught myself to stop having needs, or at the very least to squish them down in my brain and not express them. It's forced me to rely on myself for the majority of things, and strengthen my independence. I receive a lot of love from my partners, and I love them in return, but I'm with them expecting they will hurt me, and that the second I become inconvenient or difficult, I'll be kicked aside or replaced. But there's something about accepting this reality that takes the fear out of it. As much as it could hurt, there's a feeling on invincibility that the pain will never destroy me, because it hasn't yet. And I would never go back to monogamy.

Just discovered polyamory around September or October and have been having a poly conundrum between two people, one who is poly and one who isn't, ever since. And now to add to it I have a new found attraction to someone else who is poly. Well actually it's not so much new as it is more shall we say a growing attraction. However, I don't think I should say anything to this new person about it as he is already with someone else and has been for quite some time, and I don't want to interfere with anything or make our new friendship (at least I would hope and think that we are friends now) awkward or uncomfortable for him. Yeah it may seem that way for me but I'm used to it by now and can deal with it. Wouldn't be the first time I've had a crush/attraction on someone who was taken, however this is the first time it's been with someone who is poly. This just really sucks though because it doesn't make my current problem any better but I don't wanna stop being friends, and seeing and talking to each other because then I'd be sad.

I don't know what to do here. I need help sorting everything out.

I'm a big supporter of polyamory. I am friends with no less than five "couples" that are three people in a polyamorous (or poly) relationship, and I've been in relationships both with girls that had other boyfriends at the time (who were and still are good friends of mine) and with multiple girls at once (who were and still are friends with each other). And despite the prevalence of culturally-enforced polygyny (vocab word, kids! that means multiple-women!), all of the ones that I can think of are between one woman and two heterosexual men. Some of these people are married, some have children, and all seem far more healthy and loving than the average mainstream relationship. Seeing it in action, it seems like a very natural way to live. As one of these friends put it, "You wouldn't say that I'm only allowed to love one of my children, would you? Then don't say that I'm only allowed to love one of my boyfriends." But it's obviously not prevalent enough to get anything but absolute shock from the average person. "What do you mean you have two daddies and one mommy?" The way another friend (whom I'm in a polyamorous relationship with) puts it, there's nothing healthy about a desire to keep a loved one from being in relationships with other people. If the bond between you two is genuine, then it won't be threatened. Another friend that I was once in a polyamorous relationship with dropped out of it, breaking up with both me and her other boyfriend (who had another girlfriend whom he was married to, who herself had another boyfriend), citing that she liked the idea of polyamory, but that she discovered that it wasn't for her. She wanted to be able to depend on a single person, 100% of the time, instead of having two people giving her their divided attention. While I agree that it's a very personal decision what kind of a relationship you get into and you should leave any situation that you don't feel completely comfortable in, I think that her reasons for changing things came out of unhealthy motivations. I don't think that it's mature or compassionate to seek out a relationship that maximizes your ability to take. Just speaking from personal experience, my lifelong depression started going away and I started becoming a much happier person once I unlearned the habit of depending on people and started fully appreciating the great people that I have in my life, even if I infrequently get to spend time with them.