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I am forcing my thoughts into the shortest term. Today, tonight, the next ten minutes, all of these are relatively safe periods to consider. But as my mind ranges onward into tomorrow and the coming week, next month and the one after, it all starts to go a bit wrong.
I am consumed with worry. Worry about how tomorrow might pan out, about what will happen this weekend, what I'll say, what he'll do, and then it's next month and I still don't know what to do and the month after is too terrible to stand and my head is aching, I turn off the music and stare at my book, the words blurring and shifting into incoherency and I wish, I really just wish I could step back and think it all through. To step out of myself for a minute and look with cold logic at the situation, the one I can't bear to even think about by myself without being sick with worry.
I don't know the best thing to do. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know what he intends on doing. Every word of reassurance and comfort leaves me feeling more anxious, more sure that he doesn't know either. I can't stand to play this by ear. But it seems I have no choice.
I just can't stop. When I was younger it wasn't as bad. I didn't have much to worry about. Just the typical teenage drama. Boys, clothes, friends, and school. Now every waking moment is filled with worry. I worry of losing my job which would cause me to have no money of course. Having no money would cause me to lose apartment which would cause my son and I to have no place to live. I would probably move back in with my mom in another town but then I would have to quit school. I know it is pointless to worry about such things. It seems though, even when there isn't anything to worry about, I make stuff up to worry about. Sleep is where I escape.
You don't have to worry about me anymore, I'll be fine. I'm not naive like I once was. I know, me telling you not to worry won't make you stop, but I wish it would. I know you just do it because you care about me, because you want the best for me, but sometimes your worrying is just too much. I promise I'll be ok this time around. I may not know exactly what I'm doing, but I do know what I'm not doing. Please let that be enough. Please don't try to put boundaries on me. I don't want to rebel against you. I tell you things because I want to be honest with you, so please don't turn that against me. I don't know how I can make you understand, but I know that I won't fail this time and I want you to know that too. Please, let me live my life, mistakes and all, without the added pressure of your judgement.
I worry about what the person on the other line might be calling for. I assume that I've suddenly become psychic, and that I already know that this person is calling me with a death threat, or to tell me that a friend of mine has died.
This isn't occasional. This happens every time I get a phone call unless if I'm too distracted to think about it. I haven't gotten a lot of death threats, and I haven't been notified of friends' deaths over the phone a lot, but it's happened enough times for this to become a permanent psychosis for me.
I suppose this is me, though. A large part of who I am and how I live my life is dependent on the constant anticipation of death. I put myself through enough nightmares of the people that I love dying that I don't think I'll be able to feel anything more when they actually do.
I worry a lot about everything, even stupid things. I mean, I know it's silly to worry about them, but I do so anyway. Most of my anxiety problems are probably stemmed from my paranoia issues which again can be traced back to my issues with trust.
I worry about stupid shit even more when I'm under a lot of pressure and stress. In other words, lately I've been extremely worried because I've been stressed over little things. Yey for having anxiety :)