Struggling

For the past few weeks I have experienced very extreme highs or the exact opposite. I am dealing with so much grief and its heavy. I thought I was dealing with my dads death a little better than I currently am as I type this.

The only time I feel good is while I am working. Especially after I accomplish what I intended to do. It can be so intoxicating I can work for hours and hours then finally crash for a day and get right back up and do it again. That is the best! The one place that I was focused, driven, and inspired has definitely had some weird energy lately too. That bothers me. Have you ever wished people would just leave you the fuck alone? Like you're tired of fighting? When I get that way I want to withdraw from the real world. Actually I say, "I am done with people for now". So far I see it as a good thing. I just know that is not an option and before it was.

I was able to take November 2020 to pretty much now off. I used my time wisely. I listened to that voice. My inner self, intuition, gut feeling, or whatever you wish to call it. I taught myself how to do something I had NO clue I was capable of. That is what I did when I decided not to people from approximately early 2021 to now if I can help it. I was able to step back and pay attention to everything and believe me most of the time I would rather not! It was overwhelming the different energy, motives, and bullshit is entirely way too much for me! The person I trusted most turned out to be the type. I was very shocked but all the signs were there. So that has also threw me off my square as well. My own best friend or rather ex best friend turned on me. Why you ask? I asked her to remove a ridiculous political comment on social media and she informed me she said nothing wrong. I replied I did not say you did. She basically she told me she hoped it all worked out for me but I need to think of someone other than myself. I mean that is ok because I knew but that was the final blow. Just because someone thinks something and they are 1096 doesn't mean it is true! She missed that memo.

I think what has me thinking so much of my dad is I finally cleaned it up my studio (I am busy I am one person a year is excessive I know) I got it cleaned up and I see my dads flag and on one hand I want to cry but on the other I am taking him with me. He was so fucking hard on me about settling for some bullshit place of work because that is how he was taught! The night he died I realized that he did see it and it was right at the end like days before. It is such a beautiful thing it really is. He had accepted that I am going to follow my dreams. I tried it his way and its not an environment I will ever thrive in. I was able to make him see that. I think I can work to get through grief and maybe I can! I am struggling due to grief and fear of what could or could not happen! That will change!