Lover
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You’re laying beside me, finally sleeping, deep even breaths. I’ve watched you sleep, many times, when I myself could not. Always, I watch you with love. Tonight that love is heavy, and I’m weeping silently. Tonight you didn’t fall asleep when your head hit the pillow, as you always do. Tonight you asked me many questions- seeking reassurance for your anxiety. My calm collected rock, fragile like glass. We are dealing with a big health scare for you. With zero savings neither of us knows what to do going forward. Capitalism sucks, especially at our young age. But I’m keeping my brave face on for you, I’ll never share this with you- but I am scared. If I told you, you’d try to protect me with your own brave face… not this time, darling. I feel grief as I watch you, you simple man. So mortal. So finite. I don’t know when I will lose you, but that thought is salient in this moment. I was always suicidal- so in love with death. I never feared him, until you… Now I am terrified of his touch. Terrified of a world without you. Terrified of leaving you in grief without me. That is why I always kiss you and tell you “I love you, be safe” at least 2 times when you stir me at 5am, before work. You’re only 30 and in two years time I will have spent half my life with you. Who gets to say that at our age? Before you there was only trauma- you have literally been the greatest part of my life, for nearly half of my existence. God’s gift. You are so patient, so simple, so gentle. Your love language is bringing me glasses of water. How many times have I taken that for granted? I hate myself for it right now. I want to love you better. In our spec of existence I can only hope to be half the partner you are…you are my role model. Is it catastrophizing if it is reflection of an inevitable reality? Even if you likely will be okay with a simple surgery and our existence will continue together? I don’t know. I just know that I love you. I just know that this sleeping man, with his forest green pistachio eyes closed and dreaming, will one day turn into a cold and empty bed, and all my love will turn to grief. I pray it will happen when I am old and gray and not long for this world. No one should be a widow at 26. I have no concept of what my life would be without you. Would it even be a life? No one could love me the way that you have… Let me love you in that way too. No matter what happens I would do it all again, no matter the outcome. Because I so desperately want your existence in my existence. That is love isn’t it? How blessed I am to be weeping beside you tonight, knowing that your existence has so intimately touched my own. How blessed I am to feel such grief at the mere though of your absence… To love you this much, I must surely be blessed.
gAnGsTa CaPs sUpPoRtErS
I don't have the words to adequately describe how happy and sad this makes me at the same time. But I wanted you to know that it touched me.
I hope for a swift recovery and long life for your partner. They're lucky to have you.
Thank you
Results came back this morning, no concern that it is cancer and everything appears normal. It doesn’t explain some of the symptoms and leaves us with more questions than answers, but they said just to monitor and return if anything changes/worsens. We can rest easier, for now. Strange, how just a few symptoms can create the perfect looking storm. I hope nothing changes, because I am equally lucky to have him.