Guilty

Today felt like fall again, which always inspires me to introspect and evaluate the point I'm at in my life. This time the process has left me feeling weighted down with thoughts of things that I need to air out and apologies that I need to make.

I regret immensely that I didn't pay more attention and dedicate more time to my mother when it first became apparent that her "not feeling well" was a serious matter. There has been a lot of time in the last couple years that I could and should have spent with her. She is just so necessary to my life that the thought of her being impaired or gone just wasn't an acceptable option. It took longer than I would have liked to fully realize that there are some things I can't just will away.

For the one who tries to help me find my calm and focus: I am sorry that our break-up played out the way that it did. While I stand by the reasons and do feel that it was best for us and our friendship, I have difficulty forgiving myself for the pain that I caused you. I still cry every time I recall the look on your face when I told you we couldn't discuss our issues further that night because you weren't going to be the one going home with me. It all just went so horribly wrong, and it was entirely my fault. I wish that I had the stability and maturity to make us last. Please understand that I love you and am grateful for every opportunity I have to share experience with you. You've seen me at my worst, and I've fucked up in so many ways that you were the sole victim of. And still, you're around to guide, simplify, and enhance every day. You're an inspiration. Thank you so much for everything.

For the ones I've physically injured: I'm sorry that violence seemed like my only option at the time. I wish things had gone differently, and I hope that my role in your life had an overall positive impact in the longrun. That is to say, if I maimed you for doing something violent or authoritative, I hope that you learned from the experience.

For the ones who look to me for guidance: I'm sorry for my impatience, my inattentiveness, my laziness, and my hypocrisy. I will try to have a stronger positive role in your life.

For the one who left me: I'm sorry that I didn't see what was happening until it was too late. It seems that things worked out in your best interest, but I'm sorry for the annoyance, frustration, and disappointment I caused along the way. Thanks for helping me stay warm in the winter, for making me learn and explore when I wanted to hide, and for keeping me in mind as you prosper elsewhere.

For the community: I'm sorry that I am not making a better effort to improve you.

For the one who doesn't have time for me: I'm sorry that I pretended to love you when I didn't. I needed something to hold on to as I pulled myself away from him. I'm sorry for cheating. I'm sorry for helping you get into something that we both knew wouldn't last. I'm sorry that once I did fall in love with you, it was too late to make the most of it. Thank you for the lessons, the companionship, the support, and for lending me your confidence.

For anyone else to whom I owe apologies and/or thanks: Sorry that I left you out, but I'm sure you'll be thought of in future introspections.

I could feel her trembling as I held her.

I would have thought that cute, or sweet, or flattering...

...if it weren't for the fact that I knew part of her reason for trembling was not because she was afraid of how much she loved me....

...but because she was afraid of how much she loved ME.

...Instead of who she is supposed to.