Jersey

I had a dream about Jersey last night. I guess it really wasn't ABOUT him, it was mostly about going over to Josh's house and Jersey showing up. He walked through the door, saw me there, and said something about how we'd just have to forgive each other and be friends again. It's the sort of dream I have a lot, usually about other people. But what surprised me is that in the dream, when I saw Jersey, this crazy happiness bubbled to the surface. I was really glad to see him. I wouldn't have predicted that.

I am in Florida on vacation, visiting my nana. We are staying at my aunt Jane's house while she's in Texas, and it's better than a resort (except for the lack of food and the cleaning lady hiding my wine). I spent an evening cooling my sunburn in the pool while drinking champagne and reading my David Sedaris book, which has gone missing with the wine. I hope I can find it because I want to give it to my sister. The book, not the wine.

I was not built for hot weather. You can always put more clothes on to keep you warm, but there's a certain limit placed by society about how much you can take off to get cool. It's one reason I don't think I'll ever actually see California, no matter how drawn to LA I feel.

Before Jersey broke my heart, I thought we would go to LA together, live in some shitty apartment and create art together. He would write screenplays and I would make music. We'd work crap jobs, drink too much, and fall in love with life.

It wasn't until I was on medication that took away my symptoms that I realized Jersey isn't an artist. He's just a dope who wanted to get laid and didn't give a shit about the consequences. I know why I thought otherwise, I was delusional, but it didn't stop me spending all my money on him and hoping against hope for a future that would never exist.

So I don't know why my heart leapt up in that dream. I'd certainly feel awkward around him. I have a feeling we'll run into each other at some point, what with Josh and Jersey's brother moving in together. I just hope it is a long way off. Some wounds haven't healed yet.