Suicidal

I think you need to be more honest with yourself about why you're suicidal.

I think you need to acknowledge what's really going on in your head. Because if you do it after a girl breaks your heart, it's going to seem really petty. When you say that there isn't a reason, and that you're simply following a lifelong compulsion and don't need to explain yourself to anyone else, even yourself, you sound like those people who act like they have no personal agency and just live their lives arbitrarily. That's not you. And I don't just mean that an arbitrary suicide would be out of character, I mean you're hiding from yourself the actual motivation. You're having trouble confronting why you're planning on committing suicide, and that's because you plan to commit suicide to avoid confronting something. And it's not even that big of a deal.

You were a sad, scared child for so long, then as you grew up you found two different paths. You've weaved back and forth between them, but you've never quite found the right balance between them.

One path brings order by taking control.

The other path finds peace by giving up control.

And lately there's been a bit too much of the former and not enough of the latter. You need to really, deep down, make peace with not being in control. And not in a short-term meditation sense where you can manage to chill out, I mean stop being a person who's always oriented toward solving every problem. It builds up this feeling like you're forever fleeing from a predator that's nipping at your heels. There's a momentum to it, and it's terrifying when that momentum slams into a problem that can't be solved, a sadness that can't be cheered up, a fear that won't subside.

You can't stop girls from breaking your heart. You can't stop yourself from getting massively sad about the people and things you've lost. You can't stop the people you're fond of and the times you've spent with them from drifting farther away every day. But you can get comfortable with being out of control over these things. You're not right now, and it's not sustainable. You just need to chill out.

You developed this "take control, confront problems, fix things" mentality because you had to to save yourself from drowning in adolescent depression. That's admirable, I guess, but now it's making you inflexible, and you're bound to break sooner or later.

I think the reason why you always, eventually, return back to that voice in your head that tells you to end your own life is because your endless capacity for chronic depression isn't coexisting well with your DIY not-a-victim attitude. You say that it's not a protest, that you're doing this for personal reasons, that it's not a "fuck you" move to the rest of the world, but it absolutely looks like it. You're taking your ball and going home because life doesn't always work the way you want, and that's childish of you.

The weight of decades of depression and many, many, many nights listening to what that voice has to say makes it easy to give in and not challenge it, but for god's sake you have to acknowledge what's really going on.

Shitty things happen. Human life is always going to be riddled with unpleasant moments. The things we get emotionally attached to make us suffer. You'll keep loving people and they'll keep breaking your heart. Your dead loved ones will stay dead. If you're looking for a way to fix any of this, you're doing it wrong.

Just ride the wave, let it pass, don't be shitty to people, and enjoy yourself when you can.

I don't know how to tell people I'm feeling suicidal without it sounding like an attention whore's cry for help.