Feminist

I never said I was a feminist you told me I was and demanded I justify it and yelled at me not to trigger shit while I was trying to reply from my workplace shaking and so I blocked you which you called lashing out.

But really it was just me asserting, I don't have to listen to you. I don't have to listen to you.

That's what feminism is.

I'd always considered feminism, as I understood it, to just be common sense. Why wouldn't a girl be allowed to wear trousers at school? Why on earth wouldn't a woman make as much money as a man for doing the same job? It never made sense that these were questions we still have to ask. But I didn't really think about it much, because I could wear trousers but I didn't want to, and I still don't know how much my male colleagues make. Recently though, and I don't know what spurred it, I've been paying a lot more attention to the whole idea. I've been reading about privilege and slut-shaming and the portrayal of women in media(which is particularly pertinent to me as I work in an extremely male-dominated media industry) and suddenly I'm kinda angry about this! Like... what a load of bullshit it is that society has made us feel this way, this stupid pressure to be slim and pretty and happy all the time because then you're attractive to men and that is the most important thing! So I've been trying to talk to people about it, and although most of the women agree with me it's distressing how many guys will argue about it and get defensive, even angry about it. Even my bestest best dudes thought I was making a big deal out of nothing, which was a particularly horrible moment. But... although I've been educating myself and picking words more carefully and trying to make more of a stand about it, I worry that I'm a pretty shit feminist. I've been getting more into makeup lately, and I care about my clothes and being aware of fashion trends. That's not bad though, right? I don't feel obliged to wear makeup or trendy clothes, I just think it's fun. I'm an artist, painting sparkly stuff on my face is awesome. Wearing heels that might be a bit uncomfortable but look amazing is great! So okay, I'm pretty happy with my appearance and I guess that's not a big feminist let-down. But what about my desk at work? Covered in cutesy figures and ponies because I'm a girl, damnit so nobody takes me quite seriously and I'm always happy and chirpy even if I feel like I'm dying inside and - we're making a game about robots, right? I'm making the girl robots. Is that because I'm a girl, or is it just because I prefer those designs and I did a good job of the first one? Why do I prefer those designs, tall and slim with the boob-plates and sexyfaces and wasp waists and nonsensical stiletto feet? The bulkier, heavily-armoured designs got nixed by the license owners because they just 'weren't feminine enough' and I made a face and the concept artist just shrugged and said there was nothing he could do about it. I feel I don't do enough at work to challenge this stupid shit, but that's a thought for another day. The last thing that makes me worry about letting the side down is my attitude to sex. I am a walking madonna-whore dichotomy. I'm all friendly and cute(it helps being short) and completely non-sexual most of the time, even in a short skirt I'm just ~adorable~ and everyone likes me but not like that of course. Get me alone, though, and suddenly it's all change; and I love to be punished and debased for feeling like I do, I want to serve and be a pet, a slave, a plaything, and I love it but it's such a stereotype isn't it? The submissive, objectified woman. Feminism turned on its head, begging for more, ignoring the nagging feeling that I shouldn't feel this way.