Nightmare

I'm used to nightmares. They're usually the same ones: these cyclical, repetitive things that leave me stuck feeling like a victim and waking up fighting. But last night in my dreams, everyone I care about took turns telling me why I'm an awful person who doesn't deserve to, and never will, accomplish anything or be happy. I woke up sobbing so hard my chest hurt. Now I wish I could crawl into a hole instead of going out to interact with the world.

4 years, 9 months ago
Link to this thought

you are soft like a layer of kisses. a dream tangled in fright. like some destiny of pain. that I am deserving of hatred. which you choose to digest as love. and I am blessed by blood of your kisses and the fears of falling.

and I'm scared, if we fall in love. I will murder you.

Every nightmare I have centers around a Groundhog Day-esque set of events where I end up failing, then restarting and trying something new, then failing again, over and over until I eventually manage to shock myself into consciousness.

Sometime I wonder if my life isn't just one continuous nightmare from which I haven't figured out how to wake myself.

I'm stuck on the fringes of a nightmare right now. My ex tried to commit suicide, buy my mom called 911 on him. After being taken to the emergency room he was arrested for having alcohol and drugs in his system, which violated the probation he was on for public intoxication. Now he is in jail, and trying to convince my family to pay for him to get out.

I want absolutely nothing to do with this guy. I regret wasting two and a half years of my life on him. Not that I want bad things to happen to him or anything, I just wish that I could get away from him!

I hate this so much. I really just want to scream.

I had a dream that you had lied to me. I found out that you had a boyfriend, who was a complete drunken asshole. I didn't even know what to say when I found out. I just kind of sat there, with you next to me, while my best friend tried to make me look on the bright side. I don't remember what she said. I'm not sure how there could be a bright side to finding out that your boyfriend has a boyfriend. I remember thinking that I must not be good enough for you. Here I was wanting to be close to you, and now I saw why you were so distant.

I think maybe the worst part was that your boyfriend reminded me so much of my ex. I think I would have been able to handle it better if he were a nice guy or whatever.

Now I feel really lonely.

i fucking hate nightmares. There is no way in hell i would be up this early normally. You wake up with beads of sweat on your skin. You can't go back to sleep because there is still the lingering taste of fear on your tongue. I can't remember the last time I had a nightmare. It wasn't even a particularly bad one, just weird.

For so long, I lived a nightmare. Think of a lab animal, something forced into a situation they don't understand. Now think of the ultra unlucky ones, with the absolutely horrifying tests run on them. Think of anything, a rat cat dog rabbit anything, stripped of it's skin. Completely flayed. Drugs pumped through it to keep it alive. A billion nerve endings exposed to the burning air, tounge lolling because the pain won't let a single part of it be still, lidless eyes rolling and twitching. Imagine how that feels like. That's what I felt like. I had no skin, everything hurt. I felt the fear and anguish I see in dogs when they're hurt or trapped, the rolling panicked eyes, with nothing but pain and fear and desperation in them. I used to see that in the mirror.

God, this is getting emo.

I was trapped. I couldn't be myself. Granted, some of my ideas on what exactly that was were fruity, but I didn't know that, I didn't even get a chance to try. I tiptoed in my own house. My dad was constantly around the corner, in the doorway, listening in and spying, ready to release wrath. Home, where I was supposed to feel safe, where I was supposed to love being, was a cold prison.

As far as I am concerned, I never had a home until I was nineteen, and first moved to Indy. I lived places, in houses, but not homes.