Dissociate

On days such as today, I would like nothing more than to dissociate from myself and my current state for even a few hours. I've been all alone for much too long. I even work by myself anymore. I don't like feeling depressed nor do I enjoy the feelings of nostalgia, fear, anxiety, loneliness, nausea, or headaches. Alas, I am feeling all of these things right now. The latter two are likely caused by the fore. it's utterly depressing being here all by myself for such great lengths of time. I hate feeling like I need people... I never used to need them, I would just dissociate through careful meditation. I don't have anywhere to go when I'm back with m parents, no one to visit in close range, nothing to do with my time really.... I'm just stuck here, working, or working by myself somewhere else.... but no matter where I am I seem to be alone. I'm annoyed to be around my parents and siblings though... we have nothing in common, and we have little to talk of other than how I'm a terrible person who isn't always nice and how I ought to share their beliefs but this gets old all too quickly...

I just want to be somewhere else, anywhere else .... so long as I don't have to be alone. Granted I'd prefer to be amongst friends. I really am hoping to see a few of them soon. I just don't know if I'll be able to with everything that's going on in everyone's lives.... I would just very much like to have something to do with myself other than work and sitting in front of my computer screen. I had the opportunity to go somewhere this weekend, but my mother claimed she needed me here, thus, I could not go to stay with someone who actually needed my help. I would up cleaning all weekend.... Joyous.... I was told to wake up before I was ready to wake up and ever since I've been wanting to go back to sleep.... I feel less alone when I'm asleep....

Fuck it, I need a vacation to school from this school vacaton business... I mean, those goddamn sons of bitches don't know the sorts of mental stress they put kids like me through when I have so much work to do at once and then, all at once, ti's ALL GONE... whatthefuck? I'm just so tired of being alone..... My mind has had much too much time to itself. I should go find something to read or learn.... that may help me forget about this odd pain that has bestowed itself upon me. I don't know though....I don't seem to ever know anymore.

I feel so whiney with this simple little complaint but it's been making me so depressed. My logical mind feels as though i'm being silly and like I ought to be ashamed of myself because there are worse things that could be happening. But the emotional part of me continues to complain about how lonely I am. Silly splits....