Photo

a terribly charming photo of him popped up on facebook, and I swear I could hear my ovaries shout 'SEX THIS MAN' shut up, ovaries. life just isn't that simple.

Dear parents or people who one day plan to be parents.

Scheduling you child to have their portrait taken right after the doctors appointment where they get a million and one booster shots is a very poor decision.

Also if your two year old is so cranky that it takes you an hour and two people holding him down in order to get him dressed, maybe today isn't the best day to get his picture taken.

If you have a child that tends to vomit when they cry. Take them to the bathroom as soon as they start crying.

If you have an autistic child please recognize that one of the things they will probably have difficulty with is looking at the camera and giving a genuine smile. Don't blame me.

Dear Ladies of the world (and gentleman),

Please note my photos do not make you look fat, you ARE fat.

Either embrace the extra pounds and love who you are, or stop demanding to be in family photos and then acting all pissed off when you don't look like a model.

This is my third month as a photographer at a cheap family portrait studio, literally 90% of the women that I take pictures of call themselves fat and then get all pissy with me and don't want to buy the pictures because of this. It just makes me sick.

Also stop blaming me for the bad photos when your child refuses to stop running around in circles or crying. If they won't listen to you, how the hell are they going to listen to a perfect stranger.

Also little boys who throw legos in the toilet should be forced to retrieve them from said toilet.

And for fucks sakes it's just a fucking picture. If you don't like them don't buy them, take pictures at home for free, or don't take them at all. This is not life or death people. Your not going to look back and ten years and feel regret over getting the picture where junior is waving over the picture where he has his hand down. Embrace the fact that you have a real child and not a doll. Sure they may have a weird smile, they may be a bit goofy, and they get bumps and bruises; but that is who they are. Celebrate it, if I hear one more parent saying that they hate their child's smile I am going to loose it.

I don't want to hear about how you drove an hour to come to this studio. It's a big corporate chain that is just as good as the 10 other family studio chains. We are not fricking Annie Leibovitz, we take good pictures but it's not worth driving an hour or two and pissing off your children to see us.

Also little boys who throw legos in the toilet should be forced to retrieve them.

They do not pay me enough to put up with half of this shit.