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Concerning my presleep
I have come up with an uncertain but quite logical answer for why it takes up to three hours for me to fall asleep every fuckin night. This theory is primarily based on anxiety. I lay in bed and after a few minutes on my side I turn onto my stomach and that’s where my mind battles begin. First I do some minute recollection of the day that is supposed to end and then that turns to my relationships w2ith others. I think of my problems and possible moves to make with Jesse (and this begins my recreations) and then my mind moves to Nichole or Deanna or Tom and sometimes Bob (4 very important friends of mine right now) and then I think of my missing of Tony and Mark, then somewhere around here I will realize what I’m doing which is all quite senseless and I will get anxious for sleep, somewhere in there I will change back to my side (one of them), and then my stomach again. I pretty much start it all over again but my thoughts of the above people will be more deep more recreations. After awhile I begin to think or remind myself how badly I need love. Any of the above people – besides Tony, Mark & Bob, will pop up - respectively with the remaining male friends the love is of a strictly friendly nature but I must also fit in that it is also of the above female. For what hurts the most is when Kristy surrounds my mine – the anxiety that surrounds my need for her is perplexing. Anywhere on the subject of love I will find myself on my side with a pillow close, parallel and held by me… I will change position a few more time, some of any of the above will reoccur and then intense unusually realistic recreations take life in my head. Just tonight (Monday) (it’s now 1133 in the fuckin night) I saw myself in Nichole’s room with Nichole sitting on the bed next to me where I’m sitting, Deanna sitting on the bed across from me, and Jesse sitting next to Deanna across from Nichole. (this actual setting actually occurred today) In this recreation the phone rings. Nichole picks it up. Hands it to me. I say hello and there’s nothing (right then I know that it’s Kristy). Kristy mutters something – I think my name – and in a frightened but unpanicked way I ask “what’s up” and then she tells me Derrick killed himself or Kristy’s trying to take her life. She drops the phone I drop the phone I fall on the floor get out of the room, pace. And then it’s over. In addition: I see myself in St. Vincent’s, I see myself asking for a ride from Deanna, I see myself hugging Nichole.
- Unsureness of huggin Nichole in that situation
- Obviously dealing with Kristy
- Getting to Kristy through Deanna
- Unable to cry, or (somehow) show or act out a feeling
- And (oh yes) I even worried about work (I was to work that night)
Likewise when I’m dealing with anxious feelings that I’m battling with another(s) I recreate even another getting into trouble and me having to deal with it (like tonight). I am trying another way of ridding of this tonight after I finish this, usually I’ve been playing peaceful, monotonous music as I attempt to sleep but I am going to try playing very anxious frustrated, (not fast) music to possibly direct it outside of me.
I get so mad I try to tell myself that the day is over and the transference from day to day as sleep is necessary and I must just be patient and I will open communication with Jesse and I will come closer to Deanna and I will find somebody (gawd hopefully Kristy) to love, etc. If I could sleep right
- My grades will shoot up
- I will constructively and properly verbalize
- My moods will positivize
and ‘god’ knows what else