View Thinker #f5253f's profile thought 15 years, 3 months ago...

I discovered this series (or, more accurately, rediscovered) that is absolute hilarity and/or horror... I haven't completely decided. Have you ever heard of the Southern Vampire Chronicles by Charlaine Harris? Basically, it's this story about this girl, Sookie Stackhouse (seriously), who meets a vampire... a vampire who drinks synthetic blood (way to ruin everything cool about vampires, modern writers). And the girl can - get this- read minds, BUT she can't read Bill the Vampire's mind. Ohhhh shocker! The inability to read his mind clearly makes this lllluuuuuurrrrvvveeee at first attempt at total invasion of privacy! (Can I mention that this book came out 5 years before Twilight? *cough*Stephenie-Myer-is-a-stupid-idea-stealing-mormon-slut*cough*) Anyway, they have some misadventures, with lots of murder (But not by the vampire. Not by any of the vampires. Vampires are totes harmless. Take that, Anne Rice!) and even more god-awful-wtf-is-that-soul-scarring-horror-sex. Okay, spoiler alert. But seriously, just keep reading. It's totes worth it. Apparently Miss Sookie Stackhouse is an angelic little virgin girl (who is horny as hell, but just can't get past those nagging thoughts she keeps hearing every time she tries to bone), but Bill the Vampire totally fucks that over (yes, I mean that in multiple senses.) Yeah. They bone. Just days after Sookie discovers the body of her gruesomely murdered grandmother (who she lives with, and has lived with for most of her life), Sookie looses her virginity. In her grandmother's bed. Right after the funeral. Seriously. And then, if that wasn't creepy enough for you, the now deflowered Sookie (god, I can't get over that name) is all, "Oh shit, now that you banged me like a storm door in a south Florida hurricane, is this gonna hurt tomorrow?" and Bill the Vampire is all, *shifty looks* "Ummmmmmmmmmmm, I duuunnnnnnnnooooo.... okay, yeah, it's gonna blow." And this is where I literally had to turn the audiobook (yes, audiobook) off. Sookie Stackhouse responds with something along the lines of, "Wait, isn't your vampy vamp blood all magical and shit?!?" Thus, Bill the Vampire bites his own arm, making himself bleed (and, p.s., since when do vampires have blood flowing in their veins?!) and, rather than letting angelic little Sookie Stackhouse feast on his magically delicious blood, he rubs his hand all over his fresh arm wound, and proceeds to bloody-finger-fuck-the-mother-fucking-hell out of the girl. And then they bone again. And all of this takes place in the dead grandmother's bed. Oh yeah. Hawt. And don't worry, Charlaine Harris has more where that came from.

View Thinker #c00f9b's profile

You don't even know the meaning of vampire smut till you have read the works of Laurell K Hamilton, specifically the Anita Blake series. Well apparently, the Merry Gentry is actually smuttier but less vampires.

Anyway the first few books are awesome ass kicking, zombie raising, crime solving adventures. Somewhere around Obsidian Butterfly it stops being a book with a couple sex scenes (the first three or four books don't even have sex in them) and turns into outright porn. And by porn I mean really shitty vampire porn with hilariously overdone dialogue.

Trust me Charlaine Harris is tame in comparison.

View Thinker #2d042c's profile

If you think the books are weird, watch "True Blood," the HBO show they made out of it.

I'm generally not that big on sex onscreen (or in books either, or anywhere, really), but True Blood takes hilariously unsexy sex to levels even I think are hilarious.

View Thinker #f5253f's profile

Oh man, I've HEARD of True Blood, but I've never actually seen it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to now.

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