Tarakarakistan

In the year 10,000 ABC

The aliens on Tarakarakistan were nearly identical to the humans that occupied Earth. The only difference was that Tarakarakistanians had hooks (similar to those found on christmas ornaments and fishing bobbers) protruding from the tops of their smooth bald heads. The looked as if some giant could come along, thread them up, and wear them like living jewelry.

The Tarakarakistanians were a docile and content populace that had been weened of their vigor and ambition. They were content as long as they were equipped with jobs, food, and a working starebox. Stareboxes are similar to televisions found on Earth only more advanced because they have eliminated anything that isn't commercial related. Shows took up too much of the time that could be better spent telling Tarakarakistanians what they should be buying and who they should be buying it from. There are no shows, just commercials with varying lengths. It's much more efficient.

The Tarakarakistanians had grown accustomed to their way of life and feared any type of change that might bring an end to such peaceful bliss. The Tarakarakistanian Government ensured that sameness was the standard. They controlled the weather so there were no disasters, made sure all foods were artificially enhanced with the proper vitamins and minerals, and inspected all the floater-mobiles to make sure that they would break down every 10,000 miles so that people would have jobs. Everything was disfunctioning perfectly.

One moltan (moltans are similar to Earth Days) while the Tarakarakistanians were engaged in their stareboxes the commercials stopped and a new type of message appeared. This was not routine... It was 6AN (After Noon) and everyone knew that it was time to watch the commercial about Tweezil Juice. Tweezil Juice is an acidic and syrupy drink that causes people to develop a chemical dependence but was deemed OK by the Tarakarakistanian Government.

This special stare-cast was hosted by the Tarakarakistanian Government. The message was a warning that the planet Tarakarakistan was going to be running out of gravity and that the Tarakarakistanian populace was in danger of floating out into space if they did not take part in the government's solution. The solution was to fasten a nealry indestructible bungie cord to the protruding hooks of every Takarakistanian. The cords would be connected to the central Takarakistanian Federal Building where they would be safe. No one could float off into space as long as they were secured by the cords.

The Tarakarakistanians were terrified and immediately complied with the protocols. They wanted to be safe. After the assimilation of the populace everyone waited for the disasters to strike but they never came. The government promised that any moltan the world was going to end and that their way of life was going to be flushed down the universal toilet.

In the name of safety the bungie cords were shortened and re-inforced. This terrified the Tarakarakistanians even more. Now that they were so close together they were feeding off of each others fears. The government installed microchips into the bungie cords to monitor health, brain activity, and location to make sure "everyone was alright." After all, any scoitch (a scoitch is like an Earth Second) now... The world as they knew it would end.

For some of the Tarakarakistanians the world as they knew it had already ended. This new way of life was nothing like they remembered. Some of them started to grow restless and wanted to return back to their homes but their safety cords were too short. When they asked for permission to go home they were told that it just wasn't safe enough. All of the sudden the safety cords they had been talked into accepting in the name of security and safety had turned into restraints.

The concentration of the Tarakarakistanian populace grew more volatile with every passing moltan. The government assured them that this was all in the name of safety and that there had been reported cases of people randomly floating out into space in southern Takarakistan. These statements created believers and disbelievers that kept the Tarakarakistanians distracted with petty fights and arguments amongst themselves.

Moltans turned into Gloispachs (similar to Earth Months) and still nothing had happened. Despite the stories the government was telling them, the Tarakarakistanians were growing impatient. It bothered them that the Government officials were not wearing the bungie cords that were keeping the rest of them "safe." The officials assured them that it was because they needed to be able to help others and couldn't be restrained because they were willing to risk their lives for the cause of safety. Some Tarakarakistanians believed this. Others did not.

Soon the Tarakarakistanian Government began assigning jobs to the Tarakarakistanians to help improve safety. They were assigned labor groups and put to work doing various tasks. Some of them built structures while others dug holes. Some farmed food, while others cut down forests. The Tarakarakistanian Government told them that they couldn't afford to pay them and that it wouldn't do any good if they did because once disaster struck there would be nothing left to buy. "Besides, we're already providing you with top-notch security and safety."

Hard labor added to the disgruntled Tarakarakistanian populace and tensions reached an all-time high. Rumors had leaked that all of the Bungie Cords were being held by strong Tarakarakistanian Government Officials bred and trained specifically for this purpose. They were called handlers. Some of them holding as many as six cords at once! Although it seemed impossible for any ONE Tarakarakistanian to break free it was not hard to believe that SIX could overpower just ONE handler. Gossip spread amongst the Tarakarakistanians and a date had been set. When the time came they would all run in unison and overwhelm the handlers.

Two Moltans later the revolt had begun. It was a planetary tug of war and nobody seemed to be making any headway. Then, all of the sudden, something happened. Some of the Tarakarakistanians protruding hooks were coming out of their heads! Even more suprising, they weren't injured. No. They were free.

Seeing this, the others gave their all and eventually all of their hooks had been pulled off by the bungie cords. The Takarakistanians fled back to their homes only to find them completely empty of their belongings.

The next day the gravity actually did run out and many people were killed by exposure to space. Sure they were terrified and scared but they could handle this. They were free. Everyone that was in their houses at the time of the gravity crash suffered only minor bruises from hitting the ceilings. Once the gravity came back the Tarakarakistanians left Tarakarakistan in search of a better planet with better gravity.

They came across a little water-soaked-sponge-of-a-planet that tested positive for stable gravity and made a home there. They weren't the only ones... The handlers followed them incognito and landed there as well.

The handlers and ex-Tarakarakistanian Government Officials had all conveniently removed their hooks in order to blend in with the rest of the Tarakarakistanian settlers. They had not given up their quest for power. No. Their thirst could not be quenched. However, they needed a new approach. This time they had to be subtle controlling the populace. They could no longer use bungie cords. No. It had to be something that kept their hands clean. Some type of governmental structure to convince the populace that the handlers are only stewards of a popular vote. Eurika!

The handlers abandoned their bungie method. They no longer needed it. They had created a new device stronger than any chain or rope and stickier than any adhesive. It was invisible and hid in mirrors. This time they would have to use laws.

They named this water-soaked-sponge-of-a-planet; Earth.