Escape

5 years, 2 months ago
Link to this thought

Just Really Feel Isolated And Low Tonight. Wish I Still Had My Best Friend To Call And Get Advice From... Fuck It Though. I Don't Care Anymore.

I Mean... No One Else Seems To.

I Just Want To Fuckin Quit.

I need a fucking escape right now before i cut my fucking skin off just to get out. anything dammit. just fucking oblivion. just for now. just until this feeling passes. i want to scream my fucking self hoarse and claw at something solid. fuck til i cant stand or breathe or move. break something. someone. there's a rage building up and i'm going to burst. overwhelming fear riping tearing.

i dont want to be here doing this.

Words of things that I've never done are my escape. Making up stories about nothing and feelings for characters I've never met nor will I ever. The tears of anguish as fingers continue their tango across the keyboard.

Escape is what you make it.

My escape use to be madness, dark holes of a past etched into flawless skin. The burns have since faded but the touch of the flame still lingers in my senses.

The escape has since become more productive.

Another escape from the day to day another fun in a dark sort of way

Flashback:

My dad is screaming at me to get out of the house. Another stupid fight. I'm screaming at him to take me to my mom's house. He keeps telling me to get out. To not come back. I'm sincerely considering it.

I walk out.

I don't know where I'm going. Just, away. Away from the houses, I'm walking on a road between corn fields. A storm is coming. I just want to reach some trees, where I can hide and be safe. I just want to get away.

I turn around and walk the other way. Maybe I'll go to a friend's house instead.

I don't have the guts to escape.

I really wish I could just escape from the last week, its been so long, it feels like a month has passed by in only seven days. I can’t help but feeling that I’m spending too much time feeling depressed, morning, and I’m starting to feel sick every time someone asks me if I’m ‘ok’, because the true answer is no, not really, I’m still not ok, I probably won’t be ok for a long time. For right now, I’m trying to take everything one day at a time, and not spending a lot of time by myself, so I don’t have time to think about everything. I haven’t really been sleeping, every time I do fall asleep I dream, and every dream is worse then the one before, I can’t escape this even in my sleep. Its just a bad time over all for the majority of the week. I’ve got a lot of good friends that have really helped me through these times. But honestly I would love just to black out the last week, to simply escape reality for only a little while.

It seems to me that when one thinks of this word, in general, it comes up with random connections of leaving behind a situation or place. However, when I think of escape it becomes more than that, it becomes a vacation of the mind.

For example, when surrounded by far too many people, I wish to escape the situation because they are making me nervous, but other times I may want to escape a situation instead of just a place. I could be having an awkard conversation and long for nothing more than the ability to disappear and escape from them. But, then again, you could be locked in a tiny room full of light all alone.

For me, when I look to escape, I look to books, to meditation, to driving, to walking, running, jumping, anything that makes me feel as though I've been released. That's it, released. The escape is the release. If I am feeling restrained against my will then I long to be released from said point.

You must feel trapped in some fashion in order to feel the need to escape. This may not seem logical, but in the end it is. However, we must all feel this way from time to time in order to understand the escape. For example, I feel trapped inside the flesh tomb I'm rotting in, my escape is meditation, my release to the dark and shadowed realm of my mind. It is my escape from the real world and precious to me. But if I were always in the freedom of post-escape, I would cease to understand the pleasure of it.

Most of my time throughout the day I am looking for an escape, some little blackhole in the ground that I can jump into and disappear for a while. I wish I could just carry a bucket of paint around with me and make my own little holes like in looney toons. this whole life is like a giant escape from one thing to the next. Once I've solved one thing I can escape from that and move on to the next and best decipher a way to get out of that situation of problem. All in all though escape as a way of release from stress or such has ceased to exist to me. I have stopped writing (though right now I am trying) listening to music, painting, socializing, most of my time is spent worrying and it makes me really depressed some times to think that I will probably never be able to escape from that, from life and dependency and neurosis, and my mind.

Nothing frustrates me more than spending time and effort helping someone who claims to want to escape, just to find out that they just wanted attention.

So many times, people have come to me with a real problem and expressed a desire to escape. I have exhausted every resource I can imagine to enable those people to solve their problems. They listen intently, then give inconsistent or incredibly weak reasons why each opportunity I present won't work for their situation. Finally, after many hours of focused work, they leave me with promises of solving their dilema.

Weeks later, I hear the person slipped back into the same behavioral rut.

I understand that some people present their problems to others merely to get attention. I cannot understand why they do not utilize good resources to try to solve their problems.

I just wish I could recognize those people when they approach me claiming they want change so I don't waste so much time and emotion on them. They are a problem I wish to escape.