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snowy day It was a cold day in January. The wind was blowing snowflakes into my face. I remember that my breath came out as steam and that my fingertips were cold despite the black gloves they were encased in. how then could i have possibly known the truth? how could i have walked through campus so innocently unaware of what was to happen next? But, with the blindness of youth still upon me, I did so. Tucking my hands into my pockets and bowing my head against the chill.
i looked up as a snowflake caught in my lashes and in that instant my childlike glee in the winter day was stripped from me. There, walking quite near me, was a girl. Taller than me by a head and moving with purpose. Striding as though she had somewhere very important to be. I wondered where she was going. Was she meeting someone? A lover? I did not know this girl, we had never met. But i wondered about her none the less.
She was, in every way, what i had always looked for. It was as though God had seen my thoughts and turned them to flesh. her dark hair made the snow seem even more pure. Her eyes flicked up, caught mine. I was staring and i knew it. She smiled at me, a little puzzled i think, and dimples flashed from her cheeks. I returned her smile and she walked on, down a different path then I.
In one moment i had found perfection and in another i had lost it.
It was then that i realized hoe fickle the Fates were. How easily treasures can be lost. I now wish that i had spoken to her, this girl of my dreams. That i had some how caught her attention. But i was invisible to her, just another face in the crowd. I don't want to live my life like this. I don't want to find something wonderful only to loose it. But the question is, how can i change?
How can a person change after a lifetime? Why do we need others to complete ourselves? I wonder this often. Why, when we leave a lover or drift away from a friend, is there a hole in our lives, unable to ever be filled by another? And if we are so dependent on one another, why do we hurt each other so often?
These questions tumble through my mind as I walk. Does anyone really know the answers? I want there to be someone out there for me. A person like the girl in the snow. Someone who delights me simply by existing and who i fill with joy as well. I want someone to come home to in the night. A person to sling my arm across when i sleep. To lean my head against when i am sad and to laugh with when i am happy. Surly such a dream can come true.
Essentially i believe that this is what everyone wants. no one really wants o be alone, no matter how we try to lie to ourselves and pretends that we do. Marriage is not what i mean. Just the pure and unmarred being with someone you love. If love even is the correct word. I think that perhaps enjoying a person is better then loving them.
I know how you feel. I've been asking myself a lot of the same questions.