Marriage

I never thought I would be here.
Maybe it was the trauma but I always just assumed I’d grow up and live the same life as my mom.
Mom has never married and never wants to, it’s a dirty word to her.
So I grew up believing I too would just be in and out of relationships with men who would love me with their fists.
Sure, my dad was married, but that is different baggage.
So, “married” wasn’t something on my bucket list.

I was going to be single, sometimes in trauma, and enjoy periods of isolation with cats and books.
But then you came along… A sweet friend turned into a high-school crush turned into us…

Twelve years later and here we are, married for nearly five years.
Never once have you loved me with your fists.
Never once have your sweet-nothings been curses, venom, gaslights, and threats.
Never once have you used my body against my will and called it love.
Never once have you mirrored those men.
Last night I spent $200 to help a sick friend who needed things for her kids.
Today we found out that my car needs a $300 repair.
But not once did you turn that stress to malice and blame me for helping her.
You’ve never looked at my gentle heart and tore it to shreds when it became inconvenient.
You’ve never trained me to cower at your anger- to be a marionette changing steps with every change in the tone of your voice.
You’ve never been anything like what I assumed I deserved and was destined for.

Instead
You love me in the form of gentle… patient… selfless… kind
You whisper words of reassurance
You’ve replaced fists with a hand to hold
You’ve loved my body with equal love for my autonomy
You see my selflessness and you tell me that you’ll be there to care for me as I care for others
You love me…

I still cannot understand how you exist in my world, so contrast to everything I know. I still sometimes have nightmares where you admit it’s a facade and you are the same flavor of cruel as those men. I still don’t know if I deserve you.
But here we are, bound in this contract. And as we go along, I have realized-
Marriage isn’t a dirty word. They were just dirty men.
Marriage isn’t necessary, it’s still overrated in our culture, but marriage, like we said in our vows, is simply our promise to share all of our tomorrows with one another.
I don’t know if tomorrow will be more car issues, more tragedies, more illness- wars/plagues/etc. as it so often seems to be.
But what I do know is that, in this moment, there is you and there is a promise that no matter what tomorrow holds, it will still have room for the love between us.
Thank you for teaching me this new meaning of the word marriage. Thank you for marrying me.

For most of my life, I've never given serious thought to marriage. It was just one of those things that happened, and while I've had some fun at other people's marriages it's never been something that I was really invested in very much.

As time goes on, I've keyed myself in to the restrictions surrounding expectations of me. The more I've learned about the wedding industry, the more disgusted I become with the idea. If people in my life really knew how keen I was to not get married, they would really question whether I'm legitimate and that bothers me. But it repulses me to think of setting up a ceremony to be recognized in the eyes of state and family for a union that should just simply be solid without it. See, the way I've always wanted to do things is to just live with a partner over an extended period of time and remain that way. Nothing fancy, no material trappings or stress surrounding an event that's supposed to be milked as the most important day in my life. Every time I hear that phrase, I question it vehemently because it feels like people are trying to tell me what I should and shouldn't dream about and I abhor that kind of thinking. My dream is to just experience adventure in life, and to not be tethered to the things associated with traditional Western values. You know, the average Christian lifestyle with a marriage and a home in a quiet suburb or country property with a family and steady career.

I want to go crazy. I want to have silly stories to tell. I want to get into a little bit of trouble. I want to irk people, just to make them think about the things they take for granted. I don't want to be conventional, or live a boring life, or ever give in to that sinking feeling you get when people tell you that you settle down as you get older. I've already wasted a lot of my life being quiet and withdrawn, and I'm tired of wasting my time. I need some action.

It's time to start living my own personal dream.

I got married.

I used to be so against the idea of marriage, but now that I am married I realized that I had no Idea what I was talking about. It's absolutely wonderful to have a constant companion. A best friend, and a lover in the same.

I guess what I'm trying to say is....don't knock it till' you try it.

He got married?

Finding out that guy you briefly dated in high school got married is the type of thing thats supposed to happen when your 30.

I just ... he's married?

I've been thinking a lot on the concept of marriage lately. The whole idea of it seems silly to me. Granted I've seen a lot of good, happy, successful marriages but I've also seen some awful ones where one or more persons in the family are being abused or they simply aren't happy. For me, I don't really know one way or another if I really want to get married. Today one of the people that I would consider marrying out of the blue told me he could never marry me because he would get bored. I'm thinking, "Oh...thanks, jackass!" but I was just going to play the confused card and go with it. No point in arguing over something that I don't care about. I could see us together. Though...later on he did allude to the two of us having children after my, admittedly selfish, statement on how he should have children so that I could play with them. All the same, I think that I'll not get married.... ever....

I've thought about the idea of marrying someone for the sheer benefit of having a life partner. So I thought I should marry someone who I am solely intellectually attracted to and simply marry them for their mind because then, if by some odd chance I become old, I could be with them beyond the years of beauty. Then we could each go our own way for physical partners and simply be the greatest of friends who have tax dependents. It works...

If my mother saw this she might very well shit herself. She has always envisioned me marrying some "nice young man" who would "take care of me." As if I need taking care of. I used to agree with her, but now the idea of a single relationship for the rest of my life seems completely preposterous. All the same.... I could live without people and I never intend to have children because that, too, is a silly idea to me, but I should like a life partner to appreciate things with. To explore with. To be the dearest of friends with me until I move on.