Release

5 years, 4 months ago
Link to this thought

Weaning myself from you. It's like a drug. I went through the typical stages of withdrawals. The moods swings, the irritability, the confusion, the hopeless feelings, even the desire to relapse... but why should I? I can breathe now. I can smile now. I can walk outside, in public, and not feel as though I am worthless or tied to someone just wishing to hold me back. Tomorrow doesn't seem hopeless, I do not fear for my child, and I do not feel as broken down with sickness. I have had the ultimate release. God has comforted me. He has held me and wiped my tears when no one else was here to do so. He has reassured me that in due time, all things will be made clear.

All of this has shown me just how horrible you really were treating us though. Just how selfish, how immature, and ill prepared you were for anything of this nature.My mind has never been so warped by someone, ever. In some respects, it wasn't your fault. You were never taught, shown, or prepared for what life would be like when you had your own family. You were not allowed to feel as a child, as you were growing up and developing. Unfortunately, I was not willing to be your mother. I was not looking to take on a grown child. I was unable to fix what was so damaged by everyone else. Yet I still am accused of inflicting all the damage though.

This may hurt your feelings, make you hostile, or possibly even depressed, but you know it is true. In your heart of hearts, where your soul tells you what is right, you know. After all of the childish, cruel, hateful things I have been bombarded with from your friends and family, it is time for me to take my leave. It's not an easy thing, giving up on something you want so badly... but until you decide it is time to grow up, take responsibility for your own actions, and to care for those you claim to love the most, I cannot help you.

You have proven many things to me, and others you have met. You are sensitive, caring, and do (despite your actions) wish to nurture. You just don't know how to appropriately care for that which you are responsible. You have proven to all those who gave you the benefit of the doubt, that you are deceptive, a liar, a thief, and irresponsible though. The trust is irreversibly damaged.

Eventually when all of your bridges are burned, you will look back and see a lesson. You will be faced with a decision, once again as you have been before, to accept the behavior you are so used to and to ignore it and not change a thing, or to learn, to evolve.

No one can make that decision for you. If you want to prove that you are capable of caring for yourself; that you don't need someone to hand feed you everything, you eventually will decide what is more important. Yourself or those who you have betrayed.

I love you dearly. I always will. I miss the man I used to watch stars with and share every inch of my soul with. The man I chose to start over with and if this is the end, I will not drown in thoughts of "what if" and "why"s, I will cherish what we did have. I can never forget though, this horrible thing you chose to do to us. Be it out of spite, hurt, or total disregard for things around you. It was wrong.

Forever n Always. -Clem