Masterslave

I went to Diamond's with my girlfriend a week and a half ago and here I am at home while she's with her "master" she met there. Let me start at the beginning:

It was our first time even and we'd talked for a long while about opening up the relationship. Going in, she was the nervous one but that quickly faded. It was great to see her open up like that. She spent the whole evening trying new things. She and I fucked of course but she spent time on a cross being flogged and beaten. She tried the sybian for the first time as well and we ended up meeting a cross-dressing boy with whom we spent a good hour playing. It was purely intoxicating the sexual energy of that place.

While riding the Sybian though, she encounters a man over twice her age and his current sub who is closer to hers and they talk for hours. All off a sudden, we go from nervous and still unsure of what we're wanting to my girlfriend wanting something completely open.

I didn't think I had many limits but I discovered a few...and I'm discovering disagreements over which hard limits are acceptable or reasonable is certainly par for the course in this lifestyle. I'm getting used to it but I can't help but feel this lack of respect from her side.

One of the small hard limits I set was that I wanted her to refer to him by name rather than using a title like "my master" around me. That small bit of respect helps me to trust her when she states I am the primary. This isn't polyamorous, she states, but her actions betray her words in certain small but not insignificant ways.

She makes an honest effort to show she cares and we do still have alone time together. I was sick as a dog a few days ago and she spent most of her day nursing me back to help. I don't mean to treat these moments as any less than important.

That said.

She has spent hours on Skype with him, staying up until 3-4 in the morning almost each night. The way she talks about him...it's hard to tell if it's emotions for him or emotions related to anticipation of the experience that put that gleam in her eye.

It scares me...and I don't know why.

When we said open, I thought it meant we just play with others every so often...this is different...this is ongoing with the same person.

I'm dom in general...I AM the master when I feel so deeply for someone...or at least was in the past. I have never been able to be that person with her. The trust needed to establish that kind of a relationship just isn't there in the way it has been in the past.

Are we lovers? Best friends? Fuck-buddies? Roomates?

Somewhere in between then?

In response to this, I've tried to enjoy myself and seek my own new experiences.

For the first time last night, I was with a black woman who only dates white guys...she has a wonderful personality and it was an incredible experience.

But the crazy part? A few hours with a stranger felt more intimate than the past few days with the woman who says she loves me.

It's not about the sex. I even get off on her being with others.

It's something else that I can't even put my finger on...