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... looking at someone i love and wondering if i can break them mentally, physically, emotionally, and in any other way i can conjure. then, if i think i can't, figuring out what i need to do to become able
not knowing how to initiate sex with the one i want it with and calling up a fuck buddy to fill the gap, knowing that just getting off doesn't make the feeling go away and that i really need him to fill me.
blowing ashes off of pennies in the bottom of ashtrays.
obsessing over boys that i don't want to become emotionally involved with, wondering if they want to be involved with me, then slowly steering myself into very complicated relationships just to see if i can.
..We do to ourselves. Waking up at four AM in the ICU, completely unsure as to why I'm there, if I was a little verbose and harsh with someone, and they beat my ass, or what. Smoking a cigarette and enjoying it SO FUCKING MUCH, TIA but then feeling like an ass when my father asks if I kicked the coffin nails yet. Looking at someone and thinking "I will lie to you, I will tear you down, but it will be so fun." Fucking all my friends, until I don't have any. Knowing I have the ability to write, to compose, damnit, and not having the cojones to hammer out my skills, to continue to drift in the untempered rapids of mediocrity. (Untempered rapids, howabout that shit?) Knowing that despite anything, if I was handed an eighty milligram OxyContin, I would not throw it away, nor sell it for profit, but have the coating off of that motherfucker and have it in my sinuses so fast my head would, obviously, spin. Sticking out my (full) lower lip and saying "Don't you trust me?" Doing everything ironically. Not going back to fucking school. Come on, Ether denizens. Post up. Or whatever the right words are for "Post" and "Man up."