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I've identified as bisexual as almost half of my life. I frequently sum it up as "the bits don't matter." Because they don't. I have unique wiring, I guess? Not much matters besides the person inside. Personality, how we get along, what our chemistry is, for lack of a better word.
Suddenly, there are more words for sexualities. And one of them is 'pansexual,' the penultimate 'the bits don't matter.' Which is fine. Except now, 'bisexual' is suddenly defined as 'people attracted to men and women, of the cis, binary variety.'
That's not what I am. My attractions do not stay within the binary, and honestly lean towards those pushing the boundaries. It's been over a decade since I made a friend (so easily, as you do when you're young) who identified as genderfuck, and explained what that was. Genderqueer, genderfluid, genderfuck, trans... I've dated people who identified as all of those (not at the same time) over the years.
But to switch to 'pansexual' seems.. wrong. I suppose some of it is my attachment to words in general, and how discovering I was bi was one of the first things I discovered about myself, on my own, during those first years of extreme self-seeking.
I've always considered myself straight. I think women are beautiful, both in mind and form, (and I'd actually prefer to look at a pretty naked lady than a man any day), but never has a woman been able to inspire the same bodily reactions in me as can a nice hard...ahem...cock.
However, a recent experience has led me to question my sexuality, or at least make me question the definitions we apply to sexuality in general. Not too long ago, I attended a small party of close friends, and it ended up turning into, for lack of a better term, an incredibly drunk gang-bang. There were several guys present, but only one other girl. I had never been with a woman before in a sexual sense, but pretty soon our interactions became a focal point and to make a long story short, hours later we all welcomed the sunrise spent and satisfied multiple times. The next day, the girl came onto me, still in the presence of others, and I was interested enough to once again explore this sexual outlet.
All in all, it was an extremely novel, sensual and satisfying experience -- but I still cannot manage to evoke in myself sexual feelings for a woman alone. My married female friend, after the initial experience, invited me to sleep over at her house sans the guys, and there is little doubt in my mind that she intends for the evening to turn sexual. I haven't yet accepted, though, because I just can't seem to muster a pure sexual attraction for a female, regardless of the fact that I very much enjoyed my pleasurable girl-on-girl encounters. I think it turned me on so much at the time because there was a male presence, as well, and in a sense we were both aware of the power we had over the situation. Indeed, we were fulfilling what has been thought of by some as an ultimate male fantasy.
Even now, I would not really consider myself bisexual. Saying that one has been with someone of the same sex, to me, doesn't necessarily mean one can apply the term flippantly. Is it somehow bastardizing sexuality, or being a sexual sell-out, to feel this way? It surely wasn't all a show, but I would still much prefer a man to a woman any day. However, I have started to desire to have additional female-on-female contact, more out of curiosity than anything else. While I believe sexuality is not usually a choice, could it be that latent desires for female sexual companionship could be awakened by an initial experience? In time, might I be just as down with a chick as with a dude?