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It was an incredibly simple mistake. My online shopping cart had doubles that I failed to notice. It is a mistake that cost me $15 dollars. I'm not precisely rich but I can afford to take a small $15 dollar loss.
Yet here I am too mad at myself and too angry to sleep because I didn't review my shopping cart as closely as I should have. I know it's irrational to be this upset about something so small, but here I am.
It's a small careless mistake, no one was hurt, no life changing consequences have arisen, and I lost a small amount of money that I could afford to give up. But I am so upset with myself right now, how could I make such a stupid careless error. I feel sick to my stomach, and my anger shocked me from being sleepy to being wide awake.
It's $15 fucking dollars I should not be this upset over it. As far as mistakes go I have made very few in my life, I like to keep it that way. Maybe because I live cautiously I avoid the huge honking mistakes, but am somehow doomed to always be a total moron and make little idiotic mistakes like this.
Sometimes I think I made a mistake getting to know you so well and in this aspect....in fact I think this most of the time. I mean, let's face it, has there ever been a real chance of the two of us going any further than this fucked up relationship that just makes me worry about another party involved on your part. I'm not worried about the other parties i'm involved with, but I know what an open relationship really is. I just think that maybe, just maybe I made a mistake when we first revealed our feelings for one another. I would have been perfectly content to have just be sleeping next to you that drunken night, but you kissed me first. Friends evolving into something more. I just hope that you understand how guilty I felt for so many months, how guilty I feel now whenever I see the two of you together. I think that it'll be difficult to continue along this path for me. But I do love having you as my dearest and closest friend. I don't need more from you. I just need you to be there when I need you. Fooling around every so often doesn't bother me, granted I wish it was more often but you can't always get what you want. All the same, that little part of me that loves you wants you to be near me always. Then that part sees the two of you holding hands and goes "Wait.... what happened to this image?" I suppose you just confuse me. Luckily I have more to keep me at a contented human interaction level. Does she know about me? Does she care? That's what I want to know.... I don't think she does with her off handed comments and displays of affection for me. I think this was a mistake ... we never should have been more than friends.
The best way I can put it is imagine those fucking stupid meme surveys where you check off everything you've done and all your friends had tons of checks and you couldn't honestly check a single thing on the list, you haven't done anything.