Mistake

I'm about to make a huge mistake, but I'm really going to enjoy it.

It was an incredibly simple mistake. My online shopping cart had doubles that I failed to notice. It is a mistake that cost me $15 dollars. I'm not precisely rich but I can afford to take a small $15 dollar loss.

Yet here I am too mad at myself and too angry to sleep because I didn't review my shopping cart as closely as I should have. I know it's irrational to be this upset about something so small, but here I am.

It's a small careless mistake, no one was hurt, no life changing consequences have arisen, and I lost a small amount of money that I could afford to give up. But I am so upset with myself right now, how could I make such a stupid careless error. I feel sick to my stomach, and my anger shocked me from being sleepy to being wide awake.

It's $15 fucking dollars I should not be this upset over it. As far as mistakes go I have made very few in my life, I like to keep it that way. Maybe because I live cautiously I avoid the huge honking mistakes, but am somehow doomed to always be a total moron and make little idiotic mistakes like this.

As you may have guessed by now I have issues.

I don't need you to point out my mistakes. I can recognize them on my own thank you. I don't need you to tell me how dumb they are. I know that sometimes I do stupid things.

But at least I learn from my mistakes.

I'm going to write this like a letter I'm afraid...For identity sake, I'm going to address the recipient as "Mr Jarrod"

Mr Jerrod:

Sometimes I think I made a mistake getting to know you so well and in this aspect....in fact I think this most of the time. I mean, let's face it, has there ever been a real chance of the two of us going any further than this fucked up relationship that just makes me worry about another party involved on your part. I'm not worried about the other parties i'm involved with, but I know what an open relationship really is. I just think that maybe, just maybe I made a mistake when we first revealed our feelings for one another. I would have been perfectly content to have just be sleeping next to you that drunken night, but you kissed me first. Friends evolving into something more. I just hope that you understand how guilty I felt for so many months, how guilty I feel now whenever I see the two of you together. I think that it'll be difficult to continue along this path for me. But I do love having you as my dearest and closest friend. I don't need more from you. I just need you to be there when I need you. Fooling around every so often doesn't bother me, granted I wish it was more often but you can't always get what you want. All the same, that little part of me that loves you wants you to be near me always. Then that part sees the two of you holding hands and goes "Wait.... what happened to this image?" I suppose you just confuse me. Luckily I have more to keep me at a contented human interaction level. Does she know about me? Does she care? That's what I want to know.... I don't think she does with her off handed comments and displays of affection for me. I think this was a mistake ... we never should have been more than friends.

-Me

Sometimes I wish I had made some of the same mistakes as some of you.

No matter how painful or awful.

I'm kind of masochistic anyway, I suppose, perhaps part of my artistic soul which sometimes feels the need to torture myself so I can feel at least something to think about.

But, back to the point, I think I feel like I wish I had made the same young naive mistakes because sometimes I feel like my life is so... empty. A void of emotion compared to everyone else's.

The best way I can put it is imagine those fucking stupid meme surveys where you check off everything you've done and all your friends had tons of checks and you couldn't honestly check a single thing on the list, you haven't done anything.

Or that "Never have I ever." game I always win, unless specifically targeted.

I have been the girl sitting naked wide-eyed and disappointed, watching the drunken moment come to an end, leaving only regret, the inability to escape my mistake.

I'm growing so red angry and embarrassed at the memory of my own moment coming to an end, leaving only regret, the inability to escape my mistake.

Now you want to get my "easy" friend drunk, wide-eyed, and ready to praise you for her moment as it comes to an end, leaving only regret, the inability to escape her mistake.

You want my help, my house, my bedroom, to create your own moment to come to an end, leaving me regret, the inability to escape, my fantasy mistake.