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During foreplay, seductively feed her Cheetos and get the orange dust all over her genitals. If she mentions something about being worried she'll get an infection, interrupt her by flipping Cheetos at her face, using your erect penis like a springboard, and suggesting that she try to catch them in her mouth. WARNING: If this game becomes more exciting than sex, immediately end it by pointing at your penis and announcing, "Now it's flavored for you." Regardless of what she replies, interrupt her with an abrupt, "YOU'RE WELCOME." Girls like it when their lover is considerate like that.
In mid-coitus, start laughing and refuse to tell her why. Girls adore mysterious lovers. Be sure to occasionally flex your biceps triumphantly and yell out catchphrases from the internet that she might appreciate. BUT SAVE YOUR BEST CATCHPHRASE FOR ORGASM.
Remember. Whoever orgasms first wins. Do you think that girls like losers? SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE A WINNER.
Giving a girl a raspberry on her stomach is a proven form of contraception (the vibrations fuck up the sperms' GPS so they can't find the egg), so perform this for at least one hour after sex to eliminate the possibility of pregnancy.
Finally, if the girl attempts post-coital pillow talk, abruptly interrupt her with "YOU'RE WELCOME." A contemptuous sigh will effectively punctuate this gesture and remind her to be grateful for your generous sacrifice of time and fluids.
how to make love like a pro (without looking like a pro, being in love is optional) find someone beautiful. find a couch, find some long soft grass cooling in the shade, find a back seat. lean against her. do it with the side of one arm. if she leans back, press your leg to hers, and try not to notice how hot her skin is. say, you're beautiful. say it often, and say it truthfully. believe she is beautiful, or start again at step one. touch the inside of her wrists. touch soft. touch her sensitive places, but not her erotic places, touch the places that hardly ever get touched and are forgotten, anywhere the skin is thin. if you can see her pulse, touch there. put your thumb at her jaw and tilt her head. just a little. be gentle, but be strong, be forceful, but don't force her. your thumb print should whisper "follow me," not scream "fuck me." guide her lips to yours. don't breathe hard, and don't- don't- use your tongue. feel ever atom of her lips on yours, be spellbound. close your damn eyes. kiss. kiss for a long time. kiss with your tongue and without your tongue, kiss shoulders, kiss her neck, kiss everywhere the skin is showing, and kiss as though you have to remind yourself to come up for air. if you're doing it right, remind yourself to come up for air. let her kiss you. let her explore places that tickle, make noise when it feels good. peel off layers of each other. she should take off your shirt first don't guide her, don't ask her, but want it. once she takes off your shirt, take off hers, touch her the way she touches you. if she is gentle, go gently. reveal yourselves to each other. be shy, blush on your neck, drink each other in, be slightly ashamed, and more nervous than your first time. tell her she's beautiful, and tell her again, and mean it. ask her what feels good. ask! finger her, lick her, offer yourself to her, she is nervous too. pause to bury your head in her neck, press your nudity together, hold her as tightly as you can. feel your hearts through your sternums. use a condom. look into her eyes as you align your hips with hers, don't fumble, don't force, follow the natural course of things, she will press her hips to yours. close your eyes and sigh as you sink into her. try not to orgasm right away. she has a rhythm, find it. find the length of the gaps between her sounds, find ways to make her sounds come out louder, and press your mouth to hers and moan together. let it be muffled. let the bed squeak, or the car bounce, let the picnic blanket bunch up at your waists. forget everything but her. make her orgasm. rub her clit- remember how you asked what feels good? ask again- you will get off. she requires extra effort. when you orgasm, orgasm with her. press as deeply as you can into her and let your hips shake, moan loud, wake up the neighbors. let her feel you twitch inside her. feel her twitch around you. lay together after. don't thank her. let the sweat on your skin thank her, let your beating heart thank her, let her thank you. don't get up to get water or to pee or to turn off the music. hold her tight. say nothing for a long time. tell her how right it feels, before she ever has a chance to question whether it's right, tell her how the feeling of her against you is the most perfect thing in the world. tell her you could die now, and die happy. when you put your clothes back on, look at her a little differently. tell her she's beautiful. smooth her hair down. kiss her softly a hundred and one times, put your arms around her waist and kiss her neck from behind. if she stays, kiss her good morning, if she can't stay, call her to say good morning, make love again in the morning, make love again every time you get a chance, make love often, and do it honestly, tell her she's beautiful every time.
oh yeah, i forgot those parts. thanks for reminding me
especially the cheetos! fuck yeah cheeto flavored blowjobs
This is the best thing yet today. It's only two am, but still.
No lie, I once had a guy scream out "SWEET LEAPING JESUS" as he came. Yes, it totally killed my concentration, and made me laugh. Roommates heard him, too.
My friend once yelled "I choose you, Pikachu!" He saw it in a webcomic. It seemed like a good idea! Apparently.
I may have sworn that the next time he comes, I'm going to swipe some across his forehead with my thumb and pronounce him 'simba'.
not sure how it'll go down but if I can pull it off without cracking up it'll make my day :D
I just realized spermses have GPS and I don't even have a phone. Sad. Really, if you want to fuck up their GPS PROPERLY, you need radio waves.
Yeah but our brains emit radio waves, haven't we had this conversation?!