Rant

I'm trying so hard not to think about it, but I can't help wondering...

Did I fuck up?

Did I fuck up at the beginning of the year, introducing myself to too few people? Today one of the basketball players started talking to me as he walked past me. It was sweet in a way. To talk to a person that would have ignored me in high school. It almost made me feel special, that when I asked his name a few days ago, he remembered that we had already met once, at a party. He remembered talking to me. He remembered me.

I like that here, I am talking to people. I am pushing past my own, self inflicted stereotype. Ignoring the walls of cliques, and moving through them like a ghost through a wall. But maybe that's all I am? Just a ghost in a clique, in many cliques, seen only every so often, sometimes a pleasant surprise, sometimes not, but always, I am there for an instant and then I am gone. Certainly no one seeks the apparition.

Perhaps I have taken this metaphor too far.

I'm not sure I've made any lasting bonds, outside of the bond I have with my roommate. But I'm sure we'll get sick of each other.

I don't know. I'm just feeling quite alone. Everyone I know is hooking up. I would ask, "where are the people who are happy being single?" but I'm not one of those people. I don't want to be single forever. I don't want to be single now. And every time I see a couple kiss, I feel like I might die a little bit.

Call it lubido dominandi, wanting what others have, simply because they have it. In all honesty, I could probably be content with being single, if only everyone around me weren't attached. But I'm surprised my face isn't bruising with all the proverbial slaps it's received. If I hear one more "I'm taken," in response to a fucking joke, my soul may explode. Certainly not in my body, because I'm pretty sure it has been gone for quite some time now, but where ever it is, I fear it will explode, leaving the debris of my soul on the ground, in a fine little powder for everyone to step on. Please excuse the melodrama.

In a way, I'm sick of telling of myself that I must not be pretty enough. Body image is horrifyingly difficult thing to change. But if I'm not single because I'm not pretty enough, then that leaves my personality to blame. And if there is one thing harder than changing your own body image, I think it would be changing your personality, to be less annoying. To be less caustic. To be more serious. To work on the emotional shit.

And ya know what else? I'm sick of virginity. I don't necessarily mean my own (though I'm sick of that too) as much as I mean virginity as a concept. It's too much to live up to. It's the double edged sword. Have sex, be a slut. Abstain, be a prude. And while I know that that is almost a direct quote of The Breakfast Club, it's still a valid point. Losing your virginity is just too much to be anxious about. Shouldn't your first time be perfect? No. It shouldn't. It should be clumsy and awkward and you should need guidance and it shouldn't have to be the perfect person in a perfect candle lit room after sharing a perfect dinner and a perfect glass of wine after a perfect wedding and rainbows and sunshine and blah blah blah fucking blah.

I walked around the lit up part of campus tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll walk through the woods. Though I know a secluded walk is no way to improve the friendship thing.

At the moment I feel quite frustrated with my inability to understand and connect to certain friends. I love them dearly, and feel a certain sort of bond that I feel with close friends, but understanding them and how they deal with problems is a different thing.

Most of my friends at college are agnostic or atheist, and that’s cool. I would never force my beliefs on anyone, and part of my general life philosophy is that everyone must find their own truth. We can only see the world though our own eyes, and there will never be conclusive evidence of a God until we are dead. So in the meantime we have to sort of follow our hearts and follow what feels most true to us, and what path is the most fulfilling. But at the same time I miss being able to connect to people on a spiritual level. People who are not spiritual don't like to have discussions about the spiritual, very common sense very understandable.

We had one debate about the existence of God, and it was awesome. Although it was structured as an argument so facts and philosophical points were presented not how people genuinely feel and why they have decided this path is right for them. Then again some of them spoke more then others, a new friend who argued about truth. Being a seeker of truth in the world, trying to find out the right answers in a scientific way is a very beautiful thing. I believe more often then not my friends fit into this category. Although some of my friends left the room during this conversation one said that he had come to his own decisions about religion and quite frankly did not wish to share them. I wonder why? Genuinely I love getting brief glimpses into how other people view and interpret the world.

I don't know I guess to me spirituality is one of the most important parts of life. I know so firmly and so completely what I believe, and my friends seem to believe in the exact opposite. And here we are not simply talking about belief or disbelief in God, it is the entire way you see the world.

Many of my friends are Stoics; I am kind of the anti stoic. Stoics take a step back from their emotions and do not allow themselves to feel anything too strongly because they want to be able to observe them objectively and not allow any illogical feelings to hinder them.

I am very much the opposite. I dive head first into my feelings, because I believe that it is only through allowing ourselves to feel that we can understand our own emotions as well as better understand the emotions of others. When I am upset I allow myself to be true to whatever it is I may be feeling, I let it all out, normally in written form. Then I feel better about it and am able to move on. I love to vent, I feel like venting keeps me sane. When there is no logical justification for my emotions (especially when they are towards a person) I tend to follow those feelings, because I trust my heart and instincts above my brain.

I kind of reject logic as a whole. It's hard to explain. I feel like I am much better off when I live off of instinct then when I try to logic things out. Like somehow it’s more natural to just go with what I feel, then to enforce rules upon it. Generally my instincts go with something that works out better for me. If nothing else in the en I know that I was true to myself, which is really all anyone can hope to do. Or at least in my philosophy it is.

Another difference from my friends is that I am pretty confrontational. If there is a problem you will know about it, and we will talk about it. I don't do subtle, I don't do ambiguous, and if there is a problem I will speak to you about it. If I don't feel like speaking about something or are too nervous then it means that something must not be bothering me enough for me to care. This has nothing to do with a belief in God, or in stoicism, or logic. but its a huge difference that I happen to have from my friends.

Here is more or less what I believe, the core things that shape my existence and how I view it.

I believe in one God, the power of prayer, that all religions that teach peace and love are valid, that all religions hold a grain of truth in them and that none have gotten it entirely right yet. I believe in Karma, reincarnation, and that in some way we are all connected to one another. I believe that there is a greater design and that we are all just really following our destiny, and that occasionally free will does override our predictability as a species and people do things so extraordinary that they can surprise the powers that be. I believe that God is the only one with authority to truly judge, because no one else is perfect. I believe in magic, ghosts, totems, and that human beings are capable of doing more then science can currently explain. I believe that tarot cards are a good tool for introspection, and that sometimes they can be scarily accurate. I believe that we can only see the world though our own eyes and what is true to one man may not be true to another, as we have no way of seeing inside the minds of others we will never know if our own truths are present for others until we die. I believe above all else that people must look within themselves for the answers, one of our greatest tasks in life is to find our own truths.

I feel genuinely satisfied with my life, and spiritually fulfilled. Through the tinted glasses of my philosophy on life everything makes sense to me.

Everything except how to comfort someone who believes in the complete opposite of me. When I am upset nothing comforts me more then to think about how God has a plan for everything, and how this hardship has shown up in my life to teach me a lesson. That karma will go to bite mean people in the ass, and that eventually good things will come to you if your are patient.

When someone else is upset and all you can tell them is its going to be ok, you'll get through this and its just not helping the situation I don't know what to do. And when someone doesn't want to be hugged as they cry and doesn't wants to find a more concrete answer behind things when venting, I just don't know how to comfort them more or help them fix their problems. I mean I do venture out onto more logical things and give advice and so on, I 'm just not sure of my own effectiveness as a friend when it comes to helping out friends who have vastly different beliefs then my own.

Just felt like I kept saying the wrong things, and making the situation worse. Before anyone says anything I did not say things about God or Karma. I just didn't feel like I was helping the situation out.

I like to take care of people; I feel its something that I am pretty good with. I am not the smartest person, I am not athletic at all, I am not the most attractive either, hell I’m not even healthy, but I kind of pride myself on being a good friend and a good listener. I mean I know what it is like to be there with no one to help you, so I try to be there for all of my friends when I can. There is really nothing in this world more frustrating in this world then seeing someone you care about in pain and not being able to help.

That was one of the hardest things I learned from lupus. Here I was 17 and suddenly struck with arthritis so bad I could barely walk, in so much pain I couldn't sleep, and the most humbling experience in my entire life not being able to tie my own shoe laces as an adult and needing my parents to do it for me. And yet I knew it was so much harder for them. Being told that you have an incurable disease that means you will wake up every day for the rest of your life in pain, that you may never be able to have children, that if the disease decides to attack your liver or heart you will most likely die, and that if it attacks your brain you could end up loosing your mind or a lot of your ability to function. Hearing that your child has just been diagnosed with this is undoubtedly worse. As shity as those years were for me they were totally worse for my parents.

I can’t really remember if I was like this before lupus, but I very much fear being useless. I cried when my mother told me that she was paying for me to go to college so that I could have a childhood, that it was ok if I didn’t get great grades or take a useful major because there is a possibility that I won’t be able to hold a steady job because of my disease. I seem to be in remission, which can last for up to 10 years so things are looking a bit brighter now, but eventually I will get another flare and again my life will have to stop. I am pretty sure my greatest fear is that of being useless.

I know my friends don’t see it like that. I know that even if someone can’t relate it’s that they try to, that they put in the effort to help out that counts. I know I don’t have the ability to magically fix other peoples problems, and that certainly no one can expect that of me. Nor will they come to the sudden realization that I'm the crazy spiritual one and abandon me, they know me and they are fine with me. But much like my parents felt with me when I was going through the absolute worst of it, I hate not being able to do something to help out.

Ugh I shouldn’t let myself get so stressed out over other people’s problems. They are ok; I am currently projecting my anxieties onto them. See I think better by venting out anything that I am feeling through writing.

Like I said before I am all about embracing my emotions and following them wherever they may lead me. My friend is going to be ok I am going to be ok. I need to do something more closely resembling homework, but its good to see I have managed to plow though another existential crisis in a mere hour and a half.