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Just fucking remove it. Tear it out and stomp on it and move on. Make it stop. Come back and prove you're not the person I remember. You're not the person from the parks, from our tiny apartment, the person who would and did do anything and everything for me. Please come back and show me you're not who I think I threw away. Otherwise I don't know if it'll ever stop. In three months, it will be ten years. Ten fucking years. A decade. Over a third of my life. And eight since I discarded you. Six since I've seen you.
A giant fucking mistake is a giant fucking mistake, alright? I know I made one. Why can't I get over it?
I miss you....and I'm sorry.... I don't know what's gone wrong but I miss you and wish only to help. You don't talk to me like you used to, or maybe I just never noticed. I miss you like no one else in the world. I miss the way that you make me laugh, the way you kiss me when there's no one around. I miss the way you make me feel whenever I'm near to you, my heart skips a beat and it's an exercise in control to hide all of these thoughts. I know you can't see through me, I don't expect you to read my mind. I just wish that you could see how I feel about you. I wish that I could show you just how much you mean to me. I miss you all the time, especially when I'm sad and alone. I just don't know what to do. You know I can't settle down, I can't do the one-on-one thing, especially not at such a great distance. But you can't either right now, or I wouldn't be involved with you while you're with her and I'm with him...and so on... I prefer it this way but I wonder if you do. I talk about him sometimes and then you just completely change, you're no longer the man whom I've come to hold so dear to me. I miss you and I miss the way things were.
I wish he could read this and understand...but I don't know if he's ever around the ether anymore....
I miss them so much, I miss them so much it almost hurts to think about it. Before I came to this new home, I had never really loved anyone like this, I'd never felt truly attached to people... I feel like because I'm moving again this time I'm moving away for sure. They all had to go off to their respective new locations last year, this year I'm about to leave.
More specifically I miss him... I never see him anymore and I feel as though our relationship has become stronger and more long lasting. I like to leave his company with something memorable ... a moment, a smile...a touch, and always a hug. He has helped me through so much. He doesn't judge me. He doesn't do anything except help when I need him to, listen when I need him to.... only now he can't be there, physically, all the time. Next year and the years to follow will be more difficult as it wanes on. I have a lot of times (especially at night) when I don't want to be alone, when his arms wrapped protectively around me is what I want more than anything else... and I can't have that anymore. I miss you.....
You're at the very very very start of healing. It hurts like hell. You'll want to die. You'll have trouble functioning.
Then you'll slowly get better.
I miss every boy I've ever loved. There's alot of them. I miss them for mostly the same reasons. We had fun, we held each other, we had sex that ranged from so so to fantastic.
I miss my dad, the way he was when I was 0-10 or eleven. He was an incredible father to a child. He listened. He believed. I even miss the way he was from when I was twelve to when he had his stroke. He didn't listen anymore, but he still loved me, and he was strong for me when I couldn't be for myself.
I miss my mom. I think she's crazy.
I miss my grandma very very much. We've always had fun. She's a swearing, ornrey thing.
I miss my sister. I miss when we were glamourous and in control. I miss her girls. I miss seeing them every day.
I miss Tasha, even though she broke my heart and got knocked up by an abusive, cheating moron. We had fun, and if she hadn't been raised in a strict Christian home, we could have had a lot more. She was beautiful, with huge, sparkling eyes and long straight hair.
I miss Sam, even though she turned on me like a common mutt. I miss the fun we had. I miss laughing like an idiot with her. I miss cooing over eye candy males with her.
My heart is heavily marked. From torn wounds, still oozing blood, to shiny healed scars, most of these marks are recognizable as human shaped.
I know the pain and exhaustion from being lead around by the heart and then abandoned will never outweigh my hope and desire for those connections, that incredible intimacy. I will pursue relationships until I die.
Snatch your chunk of my heart and move on quickly, I need to heal as much as possible before the next person does the same.