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So fucking much for self control. Now an old problem returns. I value my convictions, morals and beliefs above anything. Sometimes they're all I have. But one of my convictions, one of the inherent qualities that I KNOW goes all the way to the core, is that those I love come first. Which means their morals come first. So what the fuck. I have enough love for both of you. One of you understands. One of you so eloquently put your feelings as "I guess I'm just a selfish enough bastard to need all of you. To want to possess you. I'm too jealous. I need to know I'm your world." I still don't see the conflict. I understand how you feel, but not how you're thinking. And I wish you'd quit defending your stance, which you have every right to. I'm not asking you to do something you don't want you to. I'm asking you to help me through this situation that has been created by my overtendancy to love, and your stance, which is based of what has happened to you in the past. I refuse to pick right now. I can't. I shouldn't have to. I can't believe that between me and the hippie, I'm the one with my opinion, and he's the one with his. I thought it would be the other way around. How do you tell someone, "No offense, but not one person in my life gets all of me? There is no number one. You can't quantify that shit. Different people are in my heart for different reasons." ARGH. And through all of this, I have the memory of the heat of your body lingering in mine. I treasure the bruises you left on me, the teeth marks in my neck that would have ruined my life had I not stolen a lot of stage makeup from when I was in drama in high school. I covet the sounds you make, the way I'm so tiny compared to you, and you move me around like nothing's happening. I miss you so thoroughly and intensely, I started crying before I was a quarter mile from where I dropped you off. Did I mention argh?
Any comments on the my convictions versus everyone elses problem are welcome, appreciated, hell, they're desired.
I’ve often wondered what that was like. To love two people equally and for very different reasons. I don’t my heart can only handle one at a time or maybe it’s that I somehow got lucky and I don’t want to love anyone else.
I know that is he were ever to ask me to alter our relationship I would fall apart. I wouldn’t be able to function thinking of all of the ways I possibly fall short that drove him to look to someone else to fill in the gaps.
On the flip side if somehow I was able to love two individual people I don’t know if I would be able to choose between the two. That’s an insanely hard decision. Kind of reminds me of one of my mother’s biggest fears having to chose between children. Sometimes it just can’t be done.
It's wonderful. Except for now. When we're all together... I've never been happier. That's the thing, it's nothing to do with falling short, or any lack of anything on anyone's part. Also, to make a point, you don't have to choose between your children, your friend's, your family, anyone one else you love. So why this? And I will have to decide. Which sucks. If it was new person vs. new person, I'd pick the one who wasn't trying to force me, the one who agreed with my ideals. But it's not. It's someone I've loved and ignored it for two years, and it came to a head. The other is someone I've loved and thrown my life in with for a year and a half. And I know no one can help me. I can't even find someone with similar views to mine to discuss it with who isn't in some way biased (Friend of one, friend of the other, family who wants me to hurry up and make grandbabies, and... one of them. He's certainly biased.) I hate going things alone.
Oh god children. You’ve side tracked me now. I never wanted children I’m kind of weirded out by them and yes I do realize I was a child once but still. All that neediness and those cubby checks and big pure eyes, something that innocent really doesn’t have a place anywhere it would take too much effort to try and maintain that and at the same time try to get them ready for the harsh unforgiving reality that they’ll be thrust into very soon. But lately I’ve been thinking about it and suddenly I want babies. I want a family of my own. I blame biology. I’m only twenty three. It’s ridiculous and impractical to be thinking about children but I am.
Love in general is like a trap. You know? I mean let’s think about this. Without it we spend most of our time fantasizing about it. Lusting after it, thinking about it chasing it. When we finally have it we spend all of our energies maintaining it, trying to keep it close, looking for an identity without it. Seriously it’s a trap a viscous circle we’ll never get away from.
Having to choose has to be one of the hardest things anyone could ever go through and at the same time so lonely. I mean there will be a zillion people who’ll think you’re selfish and heartless and how many would sympathize?
I guess what I’m trying to say here is, good luck and I’m sorry you’re in this situation and thank the gods it’s not me. I would probably quit, curl up into a ball, and hope for a swift painful death. I know I’m not really helping here. Blame it on the new life sucking job.
And when talking about choosing between children and family members it was one of those life or death scenarios that would be impossible to make. My mother often thinks of these things. She’s slightly twisted and I wonder where I get it.
Love can be like a trap. But it shouldn't be. I don't want it to be. Oh goddamn.