Shallow

I'm at that place again where I wonder if there is something really wrong with me when it comes to the female variant of the human species. I've never been good with women, let's get that out of the way first. They honestly scare me a little.

I was raised by a single mother who was an over-bearing, loud, and self-centered bitch who drilled fear for a woman into my head day after day after day. Never once did she ever tell me how to love a woman or what to tell a woman or how to respect them...just to fear them and know that they are better than you are in every way and that they should come first before you. My father was no help because he was a thousand miles away in another state and when I did see him, he never told me much about life, just to live as free as I could. My step-father was no help because he was too busy drinking and yelling at my mother to teach me what to say or do with a woman. My friends never taught me anything because they were too busy being with their women and not helping me. I almost think in a way it was easier for them to have me be the one without a date so that I could drive while they had sex in the back of the car or I could be the lookout for them while they made out in the locker room.

Everything I knew about love and romance and even sex came from movies or books and I am now realizing that is mostly all over-dramatized romantic crap that women hate to hear or don't want to believe because the only time they hear that stuff is when a guy wants to get into their pants.

I've also always been very aware of my physical limitations as well. I'm not the most physically fit human ever. I'm a big guy. I admit that. I'm not huge, mind you. I'm not genetically obese that my body has stretched to intensely wrong proportions, I'm just fat. I have a problem getting myself to understand just when to stop eating and I never work out. Sadly, women are repelled by big guys. That is the way of society. I could go on and on about the amount of times I have approached a woman, even just in passing, and I get that look. That once-over glance up and down and that look on their face of disgust. Most people tell me that isn't what is going through a woman's head when they do that, but I've been there. I've seen it. I've lived it. I can regale you with stories of my past encounters if you wish. It makes for a depressing existence.

I also have a hang up about my penis size and what women think about it. I'm average size, so I constantly think it's never going to be enough. Being fat doesn't help, I'm sure. All men who are average to below average size must think about it, and I am no exception. But I have also had the unfortunate pleasure of being mocked by a couple women because of it. It is a massive blow to a man's ego when he is getting intimate with a woman and she pulls his pants off and stops and laughs. That hurts. That defines a guy, you know? That shit kinda sticks with you and haunts you every single time you're around a woman. This leads me into the real discussion...

In my quest for looking for a relationship, I've been falling short of the mark over and over again because of one thing or another and I don't know why. As the top of this long diatribe says, I think it's something wrong with me. It has to be. No one can strike out this much unless it's self-manipulated or there is something wrong with that person enough to drive the other person away. I have had women I have met that I talk with and go out with, yet they drop me off right as it is getting interesting and this happens over and over again for me. It's mostly right around the time we either start getting intimate or after we have sex.

So there's my rub...I find a woman that I like, we go out and become close, I let her decide when it is going to be right for us to make the next step, it happens and then she slowly stops talking to me or dealing with me anymore. Like the sex was what had killed it. Surely...SURELY all the women I know and have tried to start a relationship with aren't THAT shallow as to define the rest of a relationship on how good I am in bed. Seriously?

I want it to be clear that I don't push for sex, either. I don't push for much of anything because I walk into whatever situation I'm in expecting nothing. I've had one night stands. I get that some women just want to have sex. I've had sex with good friends who invited me over for the hell of it and it happened. I get that and enjoy having friends with benefits and enjoy that anything else isn't going to get in the way of that, but when it's a romantic issue and she and I are close...

When it moves from straight fucking into making love for the sake of making love and it becomes that which kills two people even talking to each other anymore? What the hell kind of crap is that? I can't believe the girls I'm with are that bad of people. I can't. But it must be. I must physically be the reason they don't want to be around me anymore. If it's not the weight, then it's the size of my penis. It can't be the person I am or how I act or the things I say or they wouldn't have put up with me for that long. It must be something else.

I don't want to think it's because every woman I will ever meet or have met is so shallow that this will happen all the time. I really don't want that. I was raised to not think that way...to not blame other people. Especially women. I have become more and more afraid of approaching women or getting close to anyone because of all of this. I can't give my heart out anymore just to have it crushed once again because of some hang-up she may have with me that isn't a part of the real person that I am and not this physical shell I occupy. But I want to find someone who will love me. I just wonder how many more times this will have to happen to me before I find what I am looking for?

Something about being home makes me feel just oh so shallow. And more than feeling, I'm sure I become it.

I marvel that my cousin's new girlfriend isn't his typical pretty preppy jock girl. I mean, the girl is chubby! Ugh, I feel my IQ dropping.

And since when is a gift exchange a tactical battle? One should not plot three moves in advance, whose gift to steal so that I can get Pacers tickets. I don't even like the Pacers. Fucking materialist self.

My dear dear girl, you are but a human, don't hold yourself to such high regard.

BUT I'M NOT

Oh, you are.

BUT I CAN'T BE.

But you are.

But I am. I am simply human. I cannot be perfect.

I'm such a narcisist. Conversing with myself to be both victim and heroine.

You're so fucking superior. You're such a fucking bitch. I'm sick of your shit.