Avoidance

They always talk about the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You know the part that is really dreadful though? The Avoidance. I’m not in denial. I know you’re dead. But now- I avoid. I see family post videos, pictures, memories, and cries for support... and I avoid. I feel uncomfortable. I want them to stop. Because I know you’re dead. Then there is this shitty stage of guilt and empathy that seems to come with tragic loss. You felt so alone all the time... you reached out to everyone. Called all the time- and yet there were times I avoided your calls. Times I was anxious or felt like I didn’t have the energy. Now I’m sitting here feeling lonely, and feeling your absence more than ever, and it fucking sucks. This is what you felt, isn’t it? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I let you feel lonely. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry you had a needle when all you needed was someone to be there. I’m sorry I am avoiding you, even in death...

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